Tales of a Gutsy Ninja
by Kwizzic
Summary: Kakashi doesn't understand his genin team. (He hopes he never will.) Featuring: strip poker, deceptive puddles, several books, two conspiracies, and no ducks.
1. On Books and Secrets

**Content warning:** While this fic is a comedy and very rarely serious, all readers should be warned that there are frequent and casual references to canon-typical death, violence, bullying, child soldiers, discrimination, and child abuse. If you are sensitive to these things, or would prefer not to read about them being discussed in a lighthearted manner, please find another story. Thanks, and enjoy!

* * *

**Dedication:** To my roommate and anime-watching buddy, literallyseaweed95, for joining me in re-watching _every_ Naruto episode from the very beginning. In our hearts, Itachi will always be an Eco-warrior and Deidara will never hit the ground. Keep on seeping poisonous miasma until the end. Who knows: someday we may actually finish. Then we can get started on One Piece.

* * *

**Chapter I: On Books and Secrets  
**

* * *

If it got any hotter, Naruto was going to spontaneously combust.

The air conditioning in his apartment was being fickle, as usual, and the result was that being inside was stifling. Leaving the window open hadn't helped much either. So even though the sun was bright and directly overhead, the twelve-year-old Academy student left his apartment to go and wander the village in search of a refuge from the heat.

The streets were mostly empty, and only a few green-vested ninja leaped from rooftop to rooftop- that was unusual for Konoha, whose narrow streets were usually bustling with people walking about, running errands, chatting with neighbors, haggling with street vendors. Today the dust was hanging heavily on the streets under the blistering sun.

No one sane was out today if they had somewhere else to go.

But no one had ever accused Naruto of sanity.

He poked his head into a shop- a heavenly burst of cool air enveloped him. Thank god; he couldn't take being out in the sun much longer.

The shopkeeper, a thin young man with eyeglasses and a wispy mustache, regarded him suspiciously. "What do you want?"

Naruto glanced around.

It seemed he'd walked into a bookstore- not the kind he usually hung out at, with pervy magazines and cheap manga- no, this place was much snootier. Fancy wooden bookshelves with leather-bound books and artsy wall scrolls decorated the walls, and everything looked super expensive.

"Um," he said, stalling. "I'm looking for a book?"

The clerk snorted skeptically. "Which book?"

"I dunno. I'm, um, browsing. Yeah, that's it. I'm browsing."

Clearly, the clerk wasn't convinced. "Then hurry and find one, already," he snapped. "You'll drive away customers: you're filthy."

Naruto glanced down at himself. He was a little dusty from walking the streets for a while, but it wasn't anything for this guy to get himself all worked up about.

"What's your problem, man?" Naruto demanded sourly. "No one's out on the streets anyway. It's too hot."

"If you're going to be aggressive, I'll have you thrown out," the clerk threatened. "Mind your tongue."

"Sheesh, calm down," Naruto said, starting to feel a little irked. "Look, I'm going over to look at the books now."

"Don't touch the nice books. You'll get them dirty."

Naruto gave him an exasperated look.

"I can't be in here if I'm not shopping. So how do you expect me to shop for books without reading them?" he complained. "What am I supposed to do, stare at the binding?"

The clerk frowned. "You can look at the clearance items," he decided finally. "They're in the corner."

Naruto looked. The clerk was indicating a small pile of dog-eared, dusty books that looked sad and neglected. He even thought he saw cobwebs on them- that was just excessive. He groaned.

The clerk folded his arms.

"Fine, fine, I'll look at your stupid clearance books."

He went over to look at them halfheartedly. He didn't really like books much, but anything was better than going back out into the heat. He'd maybe stand around for another few minutes and then leave and go find somewhere else.

Sure enough, the books looked terrible.

_No wonder no one bought these_, he mused as he shuffled through them. _I mean, seriously. _The titles made him snicker or roll his eyes in variation. _101 More Uses for a Dead Cat _was probably one of his favorites, but _Extreme Ironing_ was up there too. And of course, _Home Drainage Encyclopedia: Volume One_ couldn't be counted out either.

He flipped through _406 Ways to Die in Water Country_ but put it back soon enough. Despite the title, it managed to be incredibly dull.

The clerk was tapping his fingers on the desk irritably.

Naruto ignored him and reached for the last book in the pile.

_Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_.

Hey, now. That didn't sound half-bad. The book was pretty beat-up, but not in the way it would have been if someone had read it frequently. Instead it looked like it had been kept in the back of someone's storage shed and pushed back and forth between bookshelves. The pages were stiff and yellow.

He pried it open and flipped to the prologue.

_In a forest on the outskirts of Shuku village, the leaves rustled in the wind. The air was cold, and the shadows were long. A ninja was crouched behind one of the large oak trees, kunai in hand. He turned his head to search the treetops for his assailant, the one who had pursued him into the woods._

_There was a sudden motion to his left. _

_He leaped back, deflecting the sudden barrage of shuriken with his kunai. With his other hand he reached for his wire-_

Absently, he flipped a few pages ahead.

_"It's destroy or be destroyed," snarled the enemy, reaching for a kunai. "You're a ninja too, aren't you? Then you know! We live in a world where you'll die if you hesitate!"_

Naruto was entranced_._

"Hey, kid! You! Brat!"

Naruto frowned and looked up.

The shopkeeper had his hands on his waist and was red-faced with irritation.

"What do you want?" he asked, annoyed. "Look, I'm standing still, I haven't touched any of your nice things, I'm being quiet-"

"Are you going to buy that book or are you going to sit there reading it all day?"

Naruto looked down at _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja._

He didn't have much money. He got his spending money from old man Hokage every week and it had been six days since his last allowance. Plus he'd kind of eaten six bowls of ramen at Ichiraku's yesterday, instead of just buying it instant. If it was too expensive…

But he _really_ wanted to see how it went.

"How much does it cost?" he asked.

The clerk's eyes glinted. "One hundred and thirty ryo."

Naruto folded his arms. "Yeah, right. I thought you said these books were on clearance?"

The man just shrugged indifferently, though his eyes showed his ill-concealed greed. "Do you want the book or not?"

"You've gotta be kidding. It's just a crappy paperback."

The clerk sneered. "The author, Lord Jiraiya of the Sannin, is a best-selling author. The collector's value alone-"

"Don't screw with me, it's on the clearance shelf. Besides, isn't that the guy who writes those cheap smutty novels? What part of that is high-class?"

The man flushed. "The price is non-negotiable."

"Hey, how do you even know about Jiraiya's other books?" Naruto asked suspiciously as a thought occurred to him. "Do you _read_ them?"

The man adjusted his glasses nervously. "Certainly not. I am merely familiar with such a prolific author."

"Don't use big words. You _do _know him. You even knew he wrote this thing." Naruto held up the paperback. "Come on. If I don't buy it, it's just going to sit around here for another few years."

The clerk didn't have a retort for that.

"I'll give you twenty ryo for it, and that's being generous," Naruto offered. "I'll bet I could find it somewhere else for fifteen."

"Don't waste my time," he sniffed. "I could perhaps let it go for eighty ryo, but my employer would fire me if I went any lower."

"_Eighty?_ Maybe if it was brand-new, but that's just crazy! Look at this thing, it's all beat up! Who else is going to make you an offer? I'll go for thirty-five, because I'm apparently out of my mind."

The man brought a hand to his temple as though he were getting a headache. "Fifty ryo, or get out of this shop."

Naruto grinned and slapped down five 10-ryo coins onto the counter. "Deal. Nice doing business with you, sir."

He snatched the book and ran back outside into the heat, feeling much more pleased with the day than he had before. He would have something to do instead of wandering around town, at least.

* * *

"Say, old man… do you think I could have a little more money for this week?"

The Hokage gave Naruto a stern frown. "Naruto, that money should be more than enough to last you all week if you spend it efficiently. What have you been buying?"

Naruto looked shifty. "Food."

"And what else?"

"Nothing, really!"

"Don't insult my intelligence. I can tell when you're lying to me, young man."

Naruto flushed.

"Now, answer me honestly."

The blond boy looked down at his feet and muttered, "I bought a book from a store in town."

"Is that all?" the Third Hokage said, sitting back with a laugh. "Well, I have no problem with you buying books. What's it about?"

Naruto grinned.

"It's _awesome_," he enthused. "It's all about this ninja- and his name is Naruto, just like mine! I've never met anyone else named Naruto, and now there's a whole book about this guy, and he's super cool! He fights off enemy ninja and he's a jounin and he's trying to save his buddy Renge, and he's got this super epic awesome technique called Jinpu Hazan, and he _blasts_ people with it-"

"Slow down," the Hokage requested with a laugh. "What's the _title_ of the book?"

"It's called _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_," Naruto said cheerfully. "And it's really, really great."

Hiruzen froze.

"Naruto," he said. "Do you mind showing me this book sometime?"

"Sometime?" Naruto asked with a perplexed frown. "Well, sure. I have it with me now. Hang on."

Naruto rummaged around in his pouch and drew out a tattered grey-and-green book with a very familiar name inscribed on the front.

The Hokage took it from him with a thoughtful expression.

"It's been quite a while since I'd seen this book," he said aloud, impressed. "I had thought you couldn't find copies of it anymore."

"Huh? Do you know this book, old man?"

"I do," Hiruzen said, flipping to the back of the book where the author's biography was written. The picture was one of a much younger Jiraiya, with a much more innocent grin. He was winking at the camera with his usual incorrigibility.

"How come? Did you read it?"

Hiruzen shook his head. "I never did get the chance. But the author was a student of mine."

Naruto's expression cleared. "Oh, yeah! Jiraiya of the Sannin, right?"

Hiruzen nodded.

"Yeah," continued the blond-haired boy. "He must be really cool. That book is like, really deep and stuff. It's all about peace and destiny and it kinda makes my head hurt. But in a good way, I guess?"

"I don't know that he's ever been described as such by those who knew him," the Hokage admitted wryly. "But I'm sure he would be gratified to hear you say so."

"Is he dead?" Naruto asked.

"No. He's a survivor, fortunately for Konoha."

"But he isn't in the village, is he? Where does he go?"

"Oh, here and there. He travels around the world." Maintaining his extensive information and espionage network, but there was no reason to tell Naruto _that_. "He comes back to Konoha every few years to check in on things."

"Aw." Naruto's face fell. "I thought maybe I could meet him."

"Someday, I'm sure you will." The Hokage reached out and ruffled the blond boy's hair.

"Yeah, I guess. But it's still kinda depressing."

"A ninja's life is frequently sad," Hiruzen pointed out. "You should probably get used to it now. Besides, it's only a book."

Naruto perked up.

"That's what this one enemy ninja says," he said, restored to his good spirits. "He's all like, 'This is our fate as ninja!' and then book-Naruto poofs and whams him like nothing else, and then there's this super cool line, where he's like, 'no, you give up on me giving up!' It's _awesome_."

"I believe you," Hiruzen said, amused. "And you can have the extra money you needed. But Naruto, don't you have class today?"

Naruto blinked.

"Shoot," he said. "If you don't see me, it's 'cause Iruka-sensei murdered me."

"I will keep that in mind."

"See ya, old man!"

* * *

"Is Naruto… _reading a book?_" Sakura demanded, aghast.

"No way," Ino said immediately. "Get your eyes checked."

"He _is_," Sakura said. "Right over there, under that tree, look-"

"I'm telling you - oh my god, he _is_." Ino stared. "Have you ever seen him reading before?"

"Never," Sakura breathed.

"What's this you're talking about?" Kiba asked curiously.

"Naruto's reading," Ino told him, not taking her eyes from where Naruto sat, flipping through the pages of a thin paperback under the oak tree in the center of the Academy courtyard. "A book."

Kiba snorted. "Not in a million years. It's probably a manga or something."

"What's going on?" Choji asked, ambling up to their group. "Is something wrong?"

"Sakura and Ino think Naruto's reading a book, but I'm telling them it's gotta be a manga," Kiba said. "You couldn't _force_ Uzumaki to stay put and read."

"Well, I'll just ask him then," Choji said reasonably. "I'm sure he won't mind telling me, and that will resolve your debate."

"I feel like I should be getting photographic evidence of this," Ino breathed. "It's like a miracle. Is this one of the Seven Mysteries of the Ninja Academy?"

"Please, Ino, be realistic," Sakura said bluntly. "There's no such thing as a miracle. That just what people call it when something of infinitesimal probability occurs despite all odds or evidence to the contrary, but it the probability _does_ exist, even if it's remote."

"You say tomato, I say potato," Ino frowned, and then shook her head. "Or something like that."

"Shh!" Kiba said. "Choji's going over there!"

All three of them fell silent as they watched Choji walk over to where Naruto sat reading under the oak tree. It looked like they were talking. Naruto tilted his head and looked at his book, then- apparently- answered the question. Choji nodded. Naruto was gesturing with a focused expression on his face. Choji nodded again, and then walked back over to where Sakura, Ino, and Kiba were watching intently.

"What did he say?" Ino demanded.

"It's a book," Choji confirmed.

"I _told _you," Ino said to Kiba.

"That's just _weird_," Kiba said, shaking his head. "You think you know a guy, and then he goes and does something like that."

"What's the book about?" Sakura asked. "Did he tell you?"

"Apparently it's an allegory about the geopolitical struggle of the Second and Third Ninja wars, with some deep themes about loyalty and friendship. The protagonist is seeking the true meaning of peace while also seeking to subvert the guilt he feels at being part of a corrupt society that perpetuates values he can't condone."

"What?" Kiba asked.

Choji shook his head. "You'd have to ask him. I barely remember what he told me."

"I will," Sakura decided.

* * *

She never did get the chance to talk to Naruto about the book. Final exams were coming up, and as all of her classmates were busy cramming for their academic classes. She wasn't worried about the written tests- no, she was getting up hours before dawn to run through taijutsu katas. Practical exams were her weak point.

Sakura filed it away in her mind for later consideration.

* * *

"Old man, can I ask you a question?" Naruto asked, looking uncharacteristically serious.

"Of course," the Hokage replied easily. "Though if you just want to ask for the dozenth time where the ANBU secret headquarters are, I certainly won't answer you."

"It isn't that."

"What is it, then?"

"So, you know every ninja technique in the world, right?"

"Not at all," Hiruzen said immediately. "I am familiar with many techniques, but there are as many techniques in this world as there are people. No one could ever learn them all in one lifetime."

"But you know a lot of techniques, right?"

"I would say so, yes," the old man said judiciously. "Why do you ask?"

"Can-" Naruto hesitated. "Can you teach me Jinpu Hazan?"

"Jinpu _what?_"

"Jinpu Hazan," Naruto repeated earnestly. "It's this really cool technique that the main character uses in _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_, and it's awesome. So I was thinking if you know all the techniques, you might be able to teach me Jinpu Hazan."

"I regret that I have never heard of that technique. And while my not having heard of it does not rule it out, I'm afraid it does make it unlikely that it exists."

Naruto deflated. "So it isn't real?"

"Probably not," admitted the Hokage. "So, of course, I can't teach it to you."

Naruto slumped. "What about Fuuton: Breath of the North Wind?"

"I don't believe that is real either."

"Oh. And I'll bet Shadow Clones aren't real either." Naruto grumbled. "That's not fair."

"Shadow Clones?" Hiruzen said in surprise. "Well, actually…"

"You mean they're REAL?" Naruto demanded. "Really real? Can you teach me? Please please please please please? That would be so totally awesome! I would _crush_ Sasuke, it would be great!"

"Certainly not," he said sternly. "It is a forbidden technique."

"How come?" Naruto asked in disappointment. "They're just clones."

"They can only be performed by a shinobi with… huge… chakra… reserves…" the Hokage trailed off thoughtfully.

Naruto scuffed his shoe on the ground. "I _never _get to learn any cool techniques," he muttered to himself. "Sasuke can breathe fire, and Kiba can turn into a dog, and Ino can read minds, but all I can do is turn into a naked lady."

"Naruto," the Hokage said carefully. "If you can promise to be very careful and discreet about this, we may be able to bend the rules a little."

"Discreet?" Naruto yelped. "I love being discreet. Discreet is totally me. No one's more discreeter than I am."

"Well, then, I think you are uniquely suited to learn the Shadow Clone technique."

Naruto's eyes shone. "Really?"

"Yes," the Hokage said. "But this is a valuable technique. Not only is it forbidden, but it is secret. It was created by Tobirama Senju, the second Hokage, and it is vital that you use this technique carefully. It can be quite dangerous if misused. Do you think you can handle it?"

"Heck yeah," Naruto said, grinning widely. "Iruka-sensei is gonna be _so_ surprised."

* * *

"So if lots of Shadow Clones need a bunch of chakra, how come I have enough to do them?" Naruto asked practically. "I'm just an Academy student."

Hiruzen paused.

He _could_ make something up about complicated bloodlines and familial inheritances and a lot of luck and genetics.

But honestly, would it be so bad to tell Naruto the truth now? He was almost a genin, for heaven's sake. In just a few weeks he'd be going on missions, and he had to learn how to keep a secret at some point. Besides, before long it would but up to him to tell people about his ability, and Minato had sealed the fox in him for a reason. If Naruto was going to be a ninja, it only made sense that someone should tell him how his own chakra worked.

And if he didn't tell him…

Sure, it _seemed_ unlikely that some bitter Konoha ninja would decide to suddenly break the law and tell Naruto the news in the most emotionally scarring, intentionally twisted manner they could come up with, thereby causing a distraught young Naruto to run out into the woods where he could get into all sorts of trouble.

Then again, you never did know.

"There's something I should probably tell you," Hiruzen decided. "It's very important, so I'll need your full attention."

"Okay?" Naruto said hesitantly.

"You have a… unique ability that you don't know about."

Naruto gasped. "Is it a secret bloodline? Was my mom actually the great-great-granddaughter of the Sage of Six Paths and my dad was the heir to the seal of the priestesses of the sun goddess and so I have magic eyes and the power to stop time?"

"Not quite," said the Hokage, wondering if he should be concerned. "What on earth gave you that idea?"

"Oh. Nothing, really." Naruto looked down in disappointment. "I just thought it would be cool."

"I... see," he said, though he didn't really. "But no, it's a little bit of a different power."

"What is it?"

"Have you ever noticed that you heal more quickly than other children your age?" the Hokage began.

"Not really?" Naruto said. "I mean, I never get sick, so…"

"Naruto, you fell out of a tree when you were nine and broke your arm and it healed in _two days_."

Naruto winced at the memory. "Yeah, that was not a fun two days. It's hard making instant ramen with one hand. But that's normal, isn't it?"

"For most people, a broken arm can take _months _to heal, Naruto," the Hokage pointed out, wondering just how much being a jinchuriki messed up the boy's frame of reference. "Also, most people get colds at least a few times a year, if not more."

Naruto gaped. "That must be _terrible_. Normal people have it so hard."

"We manage well enough. But that's not all."

"Yeah?"

"You have unusually large amounts of chakra compared to a normal person."

"I _do?_ How come I can't do clones, then?"

"Just having chakra isn't enough," the Hokage lectured. "There is a reason people train to control their chakra. Your control is quite frankly terrible."

Naruto looked abashed. "I'm working on that," he admitted.

"There is a reason for these abilities that I, ahem, haven't seen fit to mention to you until now."

"Is it a cool bloodline?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"No. This is even rarer, and even more dangerous."

Naruto clapped his hands together in delight. "What is it?"

The Hokage held up a finger. "First, you must promise me that you will not say anything about this to anyone, at least until further notice. This is a vital village secret, and if it gets out, it could cost an untold amount of shinobi and civilian lives."

"I promise," Naruto said eagerly.

"Second, I want you to promise that you will not experiment with this power without asking me. Or, I suppose, your jonin instructor in the future. It is very dangerous. If you use it without proper planning and supervision, you could seriously injure yourself or someone else."

"Uh-huh," said the boy, looking more excited with every word.

"Thirdly…" The Hokage paused. "Actually, I think that's enough for now."

"So?" Naruto prompted.

"Twelve years ago, when you were born, the Fourth Hokage fought the Nine-tailed Demon Fox."

"Yeah, he was so cool," Naruto agreed.

"You may not be aware of this, but there are nine bijuu, ranging from the One-Tailed Tanuki to the Nine-Tailed Fox. These bijuu are incredibly dangerous when they roam free, so they are frequently sealed into human beings, so-called Jinchuriki. These humans gain great power, and when they die, the bijuu must be sealed into a new human, lest they escape and wreak havoc."

"Ooookay," Naruto said, fidgeting. "Um, do you want to fast-forward to _telling me what my magic power is_?"

"Your mother was one of these jinchuriki."

That stopped Naruto's fidgeting. "Wicked," he breathed.

"On the day she gave birth to you, the seal was weakened and her bijuu, the Nine-Tailed Fox, broke free and began attacking the village. She sacrificed her life to stop the fox, and the Fourth Hokage sealed the fox into another human."

The boy's eyes were wide.

"Into _you_, Naruto. You are the new Jinchuriki of the Nine-Tailed Fox."

"Me?" Naruto asked, looking at his hands as though he was expecting them to have suddenly grown claws. "Um, I don't know about that. I don't feel much like a fox. Besides, if I'm super powerful, how come Sasuke can beat the crap out of me?"

"The Fourth Hokage's seal is nearly perfect. There shouldn't be many effects on you besides your increased stamina."

Naruto looked disappointed. "Couldn't he have made the seal _less _perfect, so I could've had more awesome powers?"

"He could have," allowed the Hokage. "It would have allowed the Fox's evil thoughts and intentions to contaminate the chakra you take from it, turning you into a bloodthirsty monster that indiscriminately destroys everything in its path, but it was possible."

"Oh. I guess that would've been bad," Naruto acknowledged. "Kinda cool, but bad."

They were both silent for a moment.

"Do you need some time to come to terms with this?" the Hokage offered.

"Huh?"

"I know it may be a lot to have suddenly thrust upon you, but I'm always here to discuss it with you. It's important that you go into this without any doubts or misunderstandings."

"No, I think I'm fine," said Naruto. He considered. "Yeah, I'm good."

"Really? That's… a bit of a surprise."

"Well, at first I was kinda thinking, 'Whoa, I'm a monster!' but then I remembered that my mom was a jinchuriki too, and I don't know much about her but if she died trying to protect me she must have been pretty cool."

"I'm glad you have such a mature outlook on this," the Hokage said approvingly.

"Well, it isn't like having a demon sealed inside me makes me one," Naruto said reasonably. "Plus, the Fourth Hokage sacrificed his life to make me a jinchuriki, so that kinda makes me like his legacy or something, which is kinda depressing, 'cause he's dead, but also really cool. _No_ one would be stupid enough to think a jinchuriki is inherently evil."

"I expected rather more shock," the Hokage admitted. "I'm starting to wonder if there was some important detail I left out."

"Huh."

"Perhaps it will come to me later. For now, shall I begin teaching you the Shadow Clone technique?"

"Sure!"

* * *

As Naruto was about to leave that day after standing in the corner of the Hokage's office learning the Shadow Clone technique for a few hours, Hiruzen finally remembered.

"I have it!" he said suddenly.

"What is it?" Naruto questioned.

"Well, I don't know how to put this, but I'm afraid that all the villagers know you're the jinchuriki, so not only do they fear that you're going to suddenly turn into a raging demon, they also resent you because of all the family many of them lost to the demon fox and they view you as the reason the well-loved Fourth Hokage lost his life, but since they're forbidden to tell their children or discriminate against you outwardly, they manifest their fear by means of passive aggression and telling their children not to associate with you."

"_WHAT?"_

Hiruzen had to admit, he could've broken the news better.

* * *

**Notes**: This is the result of writing while sleep-deprived. **It will be continued.** It will probably devolve into insanity. **It is a comedy and a parody**, so if you're hoping for deep themes or a jaded!overpowered!Naruto, you will be very disappointed. For future reference, you should keep in mind that I dislike bashing and I absolutely love Team Seven.

Interestingly, _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_ was made into a real-life book. However, I can only find it translated into Japanese and German, and therefore am basing its content on internet summaries.


	2. On Introductions and Teamwork

**Chapter II: On Introductions and Teamwork  
**

* * *

Iruka was a little worried for his most troublesome, and yes, if he was being honest, his favorite student.

Naruto walked into the examination room with a serious frown on his face. He had his hands in his pockets and his eyebrows were furrowed like he was concentrating hard. When he saw Iruka, he put on a sunny grin, but his eyes still looked like he was thinking about something else.

"He looks like he's gotten himself worked up over this," Mizuki murmured. "That can't be a good thing."

Iruka shook his head. "We have to be supportive," he said. "If he can do it, he can do it. If he can't- maybe it's for the best that he takes a different path from that of being a ninja."

Mizuki shrugged. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

"Naruto Uzumaki, reporting for genin examination," the blonde boy rattled off. They'd practiced that in class.

"Proctors Iruka Umino and Mizuki Kaname," Iruka said into a voice recorder, "Overseeing the genin examination of Academy student Naruto Uzumaki."

To the boy, he asked, "Are you ready?"

"Yes." Naruto nodded, expression determined.

"We'll be testing you on your skill with the Clone Technique. To pass the examination and become a genin, you must create three perfect clones. Proceed whenever you are ready."

"Okay!"

Inwardly, Iruka cringed for the inevitable failure. Even up to a week ago, when they practiced this same technique in class, Naruto had been unable to make even one satisfactory clone. For him to make three perfect clones would require an act of God, or else some truly remarkable luck.

Naruto put his hands into a seal- an odd one, actually. Iruka didn't recognize it. He hoped the kid hadn't been experimenting with ninjutsu. You could get yourself killed doing something stupid like that.

Then Naruto shouted, "Shadow Clone Technique!"

Iruka almost fell out of his chair.

Part of him was screaming _stop that kid before he kills himself_, because that technique was forbidden for a reason, you had to have jounin-level chakra levels to even make _one_ shadow clone without completely depleting your reserves and if you didn't, that could _kill_ you, and the other part was just demanding _how?_

Three perfect clones popped into existence around Naruto.

"Whoo, we did it!" cheered one. "I was worried we might get it wrong and have to redo the Academy."

"We should have more faith in us," said another sternly. "We're pretty awesome."

"Is that a _shadow clone?_" Iruka demanded, heart racing. "Naruto, where did you learn that?"

All four Narutos looked up innocently.

"Old man Hokage taught us," the middle Naruto said. "I asked him about Jinpu Hazan, but he said that wasn't a real technique, and I was super sad about that because just whooshing and blasting people would've been so cool, man."

"Oh. Okay. Of course." Iruka stared. "And then he just taught you an incredible forbidden technique. Why not?"

Naruto puffed out his chest and looked proud. "Well, I asked about Shadow Clones specially, since the hero in this book uses them, and he said that you could only use them if you have lots and lots of chakra. But he said I'm lucky, 'cause I apparently have the chakra of the nine-tailed demon fox sealed in my stomach."

Iruka gaped.

"Oops," Naruto said. "I think I was supposed to keep quiet about that."

* * *

Beside Iruka, Mizuki was rapidly recalculating the probability of successfully convincing Naruto to steal the scroll and then reveal that he was secretly the jinchuriki of the nine-tailed fox in the most emotionally scarring way possible and hope that he would run off into the woods and get himself into trouble, thereby causing enough of a commotion to allow Mizuki to escape.

Yes, it was definitely time for plan B.

What was plan B again?

* * *

"Team Seven is Sakura Haruno, Naruto Uzumaki, and Sasuke Uchiha."

"Hey, cool!" Naruto said. "Well, not so much about Sasuke, he can kind of be a buzzkill sometimes. But Sakura's nice."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow and retorted, "You're just too happy."

"Proving my point exactly," Naruto agreed. "Anyway, I look forward to working with you, Sakura."

Sakura didn't answer- she just gave Naruto a long look like she wasn't quite sure what to think of him.

"I'll take that as enthusiastic agreement," Naruto decided.

"Team Eight is Hinata Hyuga, Kiba Inuzuka, and Shino Aburame. Team Ten is Ino Yamanaka, Shikamaru Nara, and Choji Akimichi. That's all. The jounin instructors should be by to pick you up for your first day of training, so stay in the classroom until they come for you."

* * *

"When Iruka-sensei said 'stay in the classroom', do you think he meant indefinitely?" Naruto wondered. "I mean, I know patience is a virtue of a ninja, et cetera, et cetera, but it's been like three hours."

"I'm sure our sensei will be here shortly," Sakura tried. "Maybe?"

"We could all bail," Naruto suggested. "What do you think, Sasuke?"

Sasuke opened his mouth to answer, but Naruto shushed him.

"Never mind. I'm sure you're just going to say something like 'boredom is for the weak' or 'I don't have time for such petty concerns,' or-"

"I was _going_ to say," Sasuke interrupted him with a pointed look, "That we could go use the Academy training fields until he shows up."

Naruto looked impressed. "Wow, I didn't know you were such a rebel."

"Iruka-sensei _did_ tell us to stay in the classroom," Sakura reminded them halfheartedly. "And if our instructor showed up and found us gone, we could get in trouble."

"Aw, c'mon, Sakura," Naruto pleaded. "I know you're as bored as we are."

"Well…" she said eventually. "I guess if one of us was stationed on the roof, we could see him coming and flag him down. That way two of us could spar together or do shuriken practice while the other one rests or does equipment maintenance. We could switch out every ten minutes."

Naruto grinned hugely. "Excellent! Let's go!"

* * *

Sakura's plan worked well.

For another hour and a half, the three of them alternated training and keeping watch from the roof. They fell into a pattern. Naruto was happy to be outside and moving around instead of in the stuffy classroom, Sakura was pleased not to be sitting idly with nothing to do, and Sasuke apparently loved training more than any reasonable person.

It was Naruto's turn to sit on the roof. He watched Sakura and Sasuke sparring with kunai, occasionally shouting out commentary.

"Come on, Sakura, you can take him!"

"Ouch, that must've hurt."

"And Sasuke pulls off another counterclockwise kick! Sakura ducks and goes for the throat! Sasuke blocks it and throws a punch!"

After a few minutes, the two on the ground paused, panting.

"Who are you even narrating to?" Sakura demanded.

"Our jonin instructor," Naruto said. "The one hiding in the tree."

"I think his name's Kakashi Hatake," Sasuke offered. "I've seen him around the village sometimes. Don't know much about him, though."

Sakura glanced up at the tree. "His name was in the Academy records," she said. "Kakashi Hatake, son of Sakumo Hatake, graduated age 5."

"What about 'really really late?'" Naruto asked. "Was that in the Academy records?"

"Don't be rude," she scolded him. "Even if it is true."

"Maybe someone should invite him down," Naruto suggested. "I feel a little weird talking about him like he isn't here."

"Excuse me, uh, Mr. Hatake?" Sakura called. "Can you please come down? We don't bite, I promise." She reconsidered. "Well, Naruto might. But he's never had much in the way of manners."

A man in a green chunin vest with spiky silver hair and a headband pulled down over his eye appeared in a sudden puff of smoke and leaves. Naruto had never seen him before, but if Sasuke was right, then this was their new jonin instructor, Kakashi Hatake.

"Hi," Naruto said.

"Why are the three of you disobeying orders?" Kakashi demanded. His face was carefully blank, but his stance was pretty intimidating. "You were instructed to stay in the classroom until my arrival."

"Why are you so late?" Naruto asked. "_You_ were instructed to pick us up at noon."

Sasuke snorted.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "We _were_ presented with orders," she said in a flawlessly professional tone. "But the situation in the field changed, so we came up with a more efficient and beneficial plan and implemented it at our discretion."

"Oh? Was this _your_ idea, then?" Kakashi folded his arms.

She tilted her head. "Well, I can't take _all_ the credit. It was Naruto who pointed out the futility of wasting however many hours in the classroom, and it was Sasuke who came up with the idea of going outside and training."

"But Sakura had the idea of setting up alternating shifts of training and keeping watch," Naruto chimed in.

Sasuke nodded.

"So what you're saying," Kakashi summarized in a deceptively mild tone, "Is that you were all equally guilty in disobeying orders?"

Sakura winced, but nodded. "Pretty much."

Kakashi grinned. "We're going to get along just _fine._"

"Was that a threat?" Naruto asked Sasuke. "That sounded like a threat. I'm scared."

"Don't worry," Sakura told him, rolling her eyes. "Sasuke and I will protect you with our very lives."

"You may have to," Naruto said seriously. "This guy is terrifying."

"I'm flattered," Kakashi told him.

"Eeep!" Naruto squeaked. He hid behind Sasuke. "Save me!"

Sasuke gave him an irritated look. "At least _pretend_ to be an actual ninja sometimes."

"I think it is completely justifiable for me, as a real-life actual genin, to run away from creepy jounin who hide in trees and spy on me, and then go poof and then make thinly veiled threats at me," Naruto said, looking offended.

"That's true," Sasuke admitted.

"Why were you hiding in the trees, anyway?" Sakura asked. "I feel like I should be concerned that you feel the need to spy on your students."

"I wanted to see how you interacted with one another," Kakashi said, wondering why he was explaining himself to three kids. "I was evaluating your skills and temperaments to see whether it's worth my time to train you."

"Couldn't you have just talked with us and gained the same information?" Sasuke asked. "That seems easier."

"Certainly not," Kakashi sniffed. "This was a vital step in making a decision."

"What do you think?" asked Sakura. "Will you train us?"

"If I said no, what would you do?" Kakashi retorted.

"_Are_ you going to say no?" she wondered. "Because that would really suck."

"I might," Kakashi admitted. "Training genin is a bit of a pain, so even though they keep assigning me teams, I've failed all of them and sent them back to the Academy."

"You're lazier than Shikamaru," Naruto said, sounding impressed.

"Why do they keep assigning you teams if you just fail them all?" Sakura asked. "That seems like a pretty horrible thing to do- assign genin to an instructor if you _know_ he doesn't want them and he's going to send them back to the Academy."

"I'm not really sure," Kakashi said after a pause. "Maybe they do it just to irritate me?"

"This does not bode well," Naruto said sadly. "It was nice knowing you, headband."

"Well, you never know," their jonin instructor said sympathetically. "I might change my mind. Maybe. Then again, I might not."

Sakura sighed. "Ino is going to gloat _so_ much."

"Let's not go that far," Kakashi said. "Come on, let's go find a remote rooftop that no one's using today. We should probably get to business."

* * *

"So, I think we should all start by introducing ourselves," Kakashi said cheerfully. "Name, likes, dislikes, hobbies, dream for the future. You first, blondie."

"Me?" Naruto asked.

"Who else would I be calling 'blondie'?" Kakashi asked in exasperation.

"Just checking."

"Go on."

"Um, I'm Naruto Uzumaki," he offered. "Ramen, Hokage, beat Sasuke, et cetera, et cetera. I mean, you all know my spiel already. Or at least I hope you do. You've been in the same class as me for five years now. I would be very hurt if you didn't at least pay that much attention."

Sakura and Sasuke nodded, relieved.

"Oh, good," Sakura said. "I was worried you might rehash your campaign speech for the third year in a row."

"I thought about it," Naruto admitted. "But we're running late, and my 'Uzumaki for Fifth Hokage' speech is a little long."

"A little? It was half an hour," Sasuke pointed out. "That's more than a 'little' long."

"Well, if I'd cut out the part about government-subsidized ramen, I probably could have gotten it down to fifteen minutes," Naruto said thoughtfully. "Shall I give a try?"

"_No_."

"That's all well and good for your teammates," Kakashi said, "But _I _haven't heard your introduction."

"Yeah, but you've probably read my personnel file," Naruto explained. "So I don't feel the need to go into detail about my love for ramen."

Kakashi looked a little miffed, but nodded. "Fine, then. Sakura?"

"Are we actually doing this?" she asked. "I thought we established that this whole thing is kind of pointless."

Kakashi folded his arms and gave her a stern look.

"…Fine," she said at last. "I'm Sakura Haruno. Since you're _so _desperate to know all about me, you should probably know I have a crush on Sasuke which he has summarily rejected, and Naruto has a crush on me, which _I _have summarily rejected, and Hinata Hyuga has a crush on Naruto that he has completely failed to notice for five years straight."

"Wait, what?" Naruto demanded.

"I also have a split personality with violent tendencies, so if I say anything unusual, please disregard it."

Kakashi and Sasuke looked slightly alarmed. Naruto was still bemused by the sudden revelation of Hinata's crush, and wasn't paying much attention.

"I like the color pink, umeboshi, anmitsu, and word puzzles. I'm not fond of spicy food. My hobbies include reading, studying, and… actually, that's pretty much it. My dream for the future is, _obviously_, to become a great ninja."

"Very good," Kakashi said with a smile. "Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"I guess not," Sakura admitted. "Still seems kind of pointless, though."

Kakashi didn't seem to hear her. "Next!" he declared loudly.

"Naruto didn't have to do it," Sasuke pointed out. "Why should I?"

"Because I say so," Kakashi said. "And a happy jonin instructor is the least likely to fail you all and send you back to the Academy."

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"My name's Sasuke Uchiha, as _all_ of you already know," he said. "I guess normally I'd say I don't like anything, but since Sakura brought up the subject of food, I do like omusubi and tomatoes. I dislike a lot of things. I'm not fond of natto, for instance. Or wasting time doing pointless introductions."

"I wonder who would do something like that?" Kakashi said innocently.

"My dream is to track down and destroy my evil clan-killing rogue ninja older brother Itachi in vengeance for my parents'- and for that matter, my entire extended family's- brutal murders."

Naruto gasped.

"Why are you acting so shocked?" Sasuke asked irritably. "It's not like this is or ever has been some kind of big secret. Everyone in the Academy was talking about it- _loudly_, I might add- for weeks afterwards. It was not helpful for my post-traumatic recovery, I can tell you that."

"And yet somehow, I feel like this is completely new information," Naruto mused.

"I didn't even know his parents were dead," Sakura said with a frown. "How did I manage to miss that?"

"Especially considering it wasn't just his parents, it was apparently his entire clan," Naruto added. "One of the biggest clans in Konoha. They ran the _police force_ for heaven's sake. How did this not make the news?"

"It _did_." Sasuke stressed. "Literally everyone knew."

"Are you _sure_?" Naruto asked. "Because I'm pretty sure I didn't hear anything about this."

"Yes, I'm sure I remember the circumstances of my clan's mass-murder." Sasuke ascertained. "It was kind of a memorable event."

"Wait, your clan was murdered?" Sakura asked. "When?"

Kakashi cleared his throat. "Moving on…?"

"Oh, right. Yeah, so my clan was murdered and I want to kill my brother. What else was there?"

"You skipped 'hobbies'," Naruto reminded him helpfully.

"Does training count as a hobby?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, I would say no," Kakashi mused, "But Sakura said reading and studying for her hobbies, so I guess we'll just let the low standard slide here."

"Yay, we're done!" Naruto cheered. "What next?"

"Well, I may have kind of set up an incredibly unfair test where if you don't defeat me, you'll be sent back to the Academy and only two of the three of you can pass."

"That isn't very nice," Naruto said with a frown. "And we were just getting to know each other. How could you interrupt our team bonding?"

"Please tell me you didn't count my explaining the brutal murder of my family as team bonding," Sasuke requested.

Naruto looked shifty.

"You _did_," Sasuke said in dismay. "You know, I'm not sure I even _want_ to be on this team. I might be better off I went back to the Academy and tried my luck at getting assigned to a different squad."

"Well, if you wait until tomorrow, you might just get your wish," Kakashi said cheerfully. "Because that's when we'll be having our test to see if you get to stick around."

"I can't wait," muttered Sasuke.

* * *

They showed up the next morning at 5:00 am, as instructed.

It wasn't because any of them really expected Kakashi to show up early, after the events of the day before. None of them were _that_ naïve. But Kakashi was a ninja, and ninja could be really obnoxious sometimes. It would be just like him to fail them just for showing up a few minutes late and call it a day.

This time, though, they came prepared.

"Hey, guys!" Naruto said. "I brought a pack of cards!"

"I brought some taijutsu scrolls from the Uchiha library," Sasuke contributed. "And some extra ninja wire, if we want to get creative."

"Wow, kinky," Sakura muttered.

Naruto and Sasuke both looked at her.

She shrugged. "Couldn't resist. Anyway, I brought some snacks. Also a yo-yo and a book of hiragana crosswords."

"Snacks?" Naruto asked. "Didn't Kakashi-sensei say we might throw up?"

"Yeah, well, Iruka-sensei told us not to leave the classroom, didn't he?" Sakura asked rhetorically. "Besides, it isn't anything heavy. It should stay down well enough, and, honestly, if it doesn't, then we'll probably have bigger problems than throwing up."

"You convinced me," Naruto said immediately. "I was wishing I'd eaten something anyway."

"It's not like he's likely to show up before noon, anyway," Sasuke agreed. "Might as well."

"Thanks, Sakura, you're the best."

"No problem."

The sat together quietly, munching on the rice balls Sakura had brought along.

"These are really good," Naruto commented. "Did you make them yourself?"

She shook her head. "Not a chance. My dad made them. He's good about doing nice things like that. He was probably up before dawn."

"Wow, loving parents," Naruto said in great interest. "What's that like?"

"Um, good?" Sakura said. "I don't know how it compares to _not_ having parents, but I do love my mom and dad and I would be sad if I didn't have them around."

Naruto nodded, looking fascinated.

Sasuke finished off his food and stood up. "Want to go practice taijutsu?" he offered. "I wanted to look at those scrolls this morning."

"Heck yeah," Naruto said enthusiastically.

"Don't forget the wire," Sakura said with a smirk.

"Aren't you coming with?" Naruto asked. "Come on, it won't be team bonding without you."

"Taijutsu isn't really my forte," Sakura temporized.

"Come on, you can go back to your word puzzles later. You and I can team up and take down Sasuke."

"I'd like to see you try," Sasuke said, looking offended.

"And _that_ sounds like an invitation to me," Naruto retorted. "Come on, Sakura, let's crush him!"

* * *

Naruto and Sakura against Sasuke was actually a pretty even fight, until Naruto pulled out his shadow clones and was accused of cheating.

He'd protested that there weren't any rules against ninjutsu, and Sasuke had retorted that there _were_, because the rule against trying to kill the opponent meant that he couldn't use any of his fire techniques, and that meant that Naruto wasn't allowed to use his trump jutsu either. In the end, Sakura called a truce and invited them all to sit down for a while so she could do her crosswords.

Then Naruto pulled out his deck of cards, and things had escalated quickly.

* * *

When Kakashi showed up at half past eleven, he'd found his three genin sitting in a circle on the ground of the training field playing strip poker.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei," said a fully-clothed Naruto. "What's up?"

"What are you _doing_?" Kakashi asked in real confusion. "I mean, no, I know what you're doing, but _why?"_

"An ill-conceived plan for vengeance," Sakura explained with a wince. She was wearing an undershirt and shorts, and a pile of discarded clothing lay to one side. "Don't ask."

"Not _just_ vengeance," Naruto objected. "Also team bonding and the power of friendship."

"I normally like vengeance," Sasuke said, who'd had the advantage of counting his arm warmers as articles of clothing and was still wearing his shorts and shirt. His sandals and headband, along with the arm warmers and his shuriken pouch lay beside him. "But it isn't so much fun when I'm the target of it."

"You do realize this is village property," Kakashi inquired. "And that you could be arrested for public indecency?"

"Please," Naruto said disdainfully. "We're ninja. We don't _have_ a dress code. You've seen what Anko wears."

Kakashi had to admit the point.

"You're taking it awfully easy," he said instead. "Aren't you worried at all about the big test? This could make or break your careers as ninja."

"Could it really?" Sakura asked doubtfully. "Worst case scenario, we repeat a year at the Academy. It isn't like any of us would be in danger of failing the genin examinations, having already passed them once."

"It would be frustrating," Sasuke admitted. "Since my goal is kind of time-sensitive. There's a very real possibility that I would just give up on redoing the Academy and find someone else to teach me. But even, then, it wouldn't end my career as a _ninja_, just as a genin of the Konoha Shinobi Corps."

"Meh, I feel like I could pester the old man into giving me a second shot," Naruto said with a shrug. "And even if I couldn't, I could totally coast through the Academy if I repeated a year."

"Oh, I have an idea!" Sakura said cheerfully. "If two or all of us fail the exam, we can get together back at the Academy to read some more advanced scrolls and teach ourselves. I bet we could even get Iruka-sensei to give us some extra lessons."

"Ew, work," Naruto said.

Sasuke looked interested. "That might be worthwhile," he said at length. "I wonder if we could get a jounin to teach us some techniques- not officially, of course, but kind of under the table."

Naruto still looked unconvinced, but he shrugged. "Well, I did get the old man to teach me the Shadow Clone technique. So we have a foot in the door there, at least."

"Of course!" Sakura enthused. "I didn't even think of that."

Kakashi was a little dismayed at his students' lack of anxiety. "Aren't you even a _little_ concerned about failing?"

"Sure we are," Sakura told him in consoling tones. "We're very frightened of your survival test. It's just that we have good contingency plans, is all."

"You certainly do," Kakashi acknowledged, smiling. "I'm impressed."

"Oh, god, he's smiling," Naruto said in horror. "Yeah, I'm officially scared now."

"Well, then. Let's get started, shall we?"

* * *

**Notes: **And so, the descent into insanity begins. **Don't say I didn't warn you... **Today's fun fact: this story was originally intended to be a oneshot. I was fifty-five pages in before I finally reconsidered that plan.


	3. On Conspiracies and Missions

**Tales of a Gutsy Ninja**: Twelve-year-old Naruto takes refuge from the summer heat in a bookstore. Naturally, chaos ensues. (OR: Kakashi honestly didn't understand his genin team. He hoped he never would.)

* * *

**Chapter III:**** On Conspiracies and Missions  
**

* * *

"Your objective is to take at least one of the bells from me by noon," Kakashi explained. "If you can get one, you pass the exam and I'll accept you as my student. If you fail, you're going back to the Academy tomorrow. Any questions?"

"Yes," Sasuke said. "What ninjutsu can we use? I'd like to establish that _beforehand_, this time."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "For heaven's sake, Sasuke, how long are you going to hold a grudge over that? It was one spar. Losing once is not such a big deal."

"I was at a disadvantage," Sasuke insisted. "It doesn't count."

"Use whatever techniques you like. Shuriken too," Kakashi said, choosing to ignore the spat. "If you manage to kill me, I will be most pleasantly surprised."

"Okay. And can one person take two bells, thereby preventing either of the other two from passing?" Sasuke asked innocently.

"Sasuke!" Naruto said, aghast. "I'm so disappointed in you. How could you think of doing something like that? After all that bonding we did, too."

"Just asking," said the Uchiha with a smirk. "Want to try and stop me?"

Naruto huffed.

"Sure," Kakashi said amiably. "If you can take two bells, you can do whatever you want with them."

"Can two of us team up on the third to increase our chances of getting a bell?" Sakura mused. "Or better yet, could we proactively take out one of our teammates so that they don't have a chance to set traps?"

"That's… pretty bloodthirsty, but yes. Yes, you could."

"What about bribing your teammates to convince them to form an alliance?" Naruto inquired. "Or using personal information or weaknesses as leverage to manipulate them to do what you want?"

"…Yes, you can," Kakashi said after a while. "Do you plan to do that?

"If Sasuke doesn't fix his attitude, I may have no other choice," Naruto said sadly.

"Come on, already," Sasuke groaned. "It's a _competition_ for crying out loud."

"Any other questions?" Kakashi asked. "No? Excellent, let's get started. Begin!"

Immediately, Sasuke and Sakura vanished into the underbrush.

Naruto stayed standing in the middle of the field. The breeze rustled in the trees, and Kakashi stared him down with one lazy eye. Taking a battle stance, Naruto reached into his bag with one hand and pulled out a kunai.

"Are you sure you don't want to go about this in a stealthier way?" Kakashi suggested. "Don't you think maybe one-on-one fights are unbecoming of a ninja, who should attack under cover of darkness or lay traps for their opponents?"

"What are you talking about?" Naruto asked. "That isn't at all what ninja do. Ninja have big epic battles in the middle of large open fields."

"I think you're mixing up being a ninja with being a samurai," Kakashi said. "Don't worry, it's a common mistake."

"Anyway, I'm going to attack you now," Naruto informed him.

"You do that," Kakashi said. He reached into his shuriken pouch and pulled out a small orange book. The cover showed a smiling man and woman running along, hand-in-hand, in a grassy field. The back of it said '18+ : Some Material Not Suitable for Children'.

Naruto gasped.

"Is that 'Icha Icha Paradise'?" he asked eagerly. "I am _such_ a huge fan."

Kakashi blinked. "What?"

"I love Jiraiya's work!" Naruto exclaimed. "He's such a great writer."

The jounin frowned in concern.

"You must be mistaken," said Kakashi flatly. "These books aren't for little brats like you. If you've been reading Jiraiya's work, I feel like Konoha's age limits need some work."

Naruto shook his head. "Well, I haven't read _those_ books. The guy in the shop is too quick on his feet. But I _have _read his other book."

"…Other book?" Kakashi said blankly.

"Oh, I guess you haven't heard of it. That's cool, most people haven't. You can barely even find copies, that's how much of a flop it was."

"Are you screwing with me?" Kakashi asked. "I honestly can't tell."

"No, really! I have with me, hang on!" The blond genin rooted around in his back pouch and brought out a tattered paperback. "Here it is!"

"_Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_?" Kakashi read aloud. "Nope, never heard of it."

Then he made a seal with one hand.

* * *

Naruto trudged out of the river a few minutes later, completely soaking wet. He was also busy reconsidering his plans for taking a bell. Because clearly, it wasn't something he could do on his own.

"Hey," Sakura said, hopping down from a tree. "I think we should probably team up."

Naruto considered. "Is this the 'take down Sasuke in advance' kind of team up? Because honestly, I was never all the way on board with that plan."

"Probably not," Sakura said. "I don't think he actually ended up setting traps, and if he did, taking him out now wouldn't solve the problem."

"Then is it the 'pretend to team up with Naruto, use him to get the bells, and then betray him, taking the bells for myself' kind of team up?"

"Nope."

"You're going to have to clarify, then," Naruto said at last.

"It's the, 'I just watched you get beaten up by Kakashi-sensei and I know that I have no chance against him on my own so I'd better scrounge up some back up' kind of team up," Sakura explained. "I'm guessing you feel the same way, judging by your condition."

"You just _watched_? And you didn't do anything to help me?" said Naruto in tones of great disappointment. "I thought we were closer than that."

"I'm helping you now, aren't I? Besides, Kakashi-sensei kind of had a point about a genin- or even two genin- and their chances with attacking a jounin head-on."

"That's true," Naruto admitted.

"So we need to come up with a plan," Sakura said seriously.

"I vote we go find Sasuke and team up with him," Naruto said immediately. "Because I just got my butt kicked, and I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you aren't likely to do much better. Sasuke, on the other hand, could actually have a chance of winning."

"Naruto, there are only two bells. Why would three of us team up if only two can pass?"

"Well, if it's just us two, there's no way we'll get the bells," Naruto pointed out. "Whereas if we work with Sasuke, it actually seems likely that we could get _both_ of them. That raises the likelihood that at least _one_ of us will move on."

Sakura looked at Naruto skeptically. "Are you sure you aren't _trying_ to fail so you can redo a year at the Academy without much effort?"

"I'm wounded," Naruto sniffed. "How could you think something like that?"

"Oh, I don't know. You did say it yourself earlier today."

"Well, maybe," Naruto admitted. "But I also do want to win. And I would feel bad about leaving Sasuke out. We played strip poker together. We're buddies."

"No, Sasuke and I played strip poker together," Sakura corrected. "_You_ remained entirely clothed throughout."

"What can I say?" Naruto said with a shrug. "I'm just lucky."

"Well, we don't have much time. Let's go look for him, then," Sakura declared. "Last I saw of him, he was heading to the west."

"Aye aye, Captain!"

* * *

"What do you mean, 'team up'?" Sasuke asked suspiciously. "Is this the 'approach Sasuke under guise of wanting to be teammates with him only to stab in the back at the last minute to get him out of the running for one of the bells?' kind of team up? Or is it-"

"It's the 'teamwork and friendship and crushing our jounin-sensei' kind of team up," Naruto clarified. "I promise."

"Uh-huh," Sasuke said skeptically. "And what about the person who doesn't get a bell?"

"Naruto volunteered himself," Sakura said plainly, "But I think it would be fairer if he and I decided who gets the last bell with rock-paper-scissors or something like that."

"But we agreed that since you have more of an immediate objective in becoming a ninja than we do, as well as more useful skills in taking down Kakashi-sensei, you deserve one of the bells," Naruto explained. "If we only get one bell, you would get it and Sakura and I are both going back to the Academy. If we don't get any- well, we're just doomed then, so at least we'll have put on a good show."

"Fair enough," Sasuke said. "So what's your plan?"

* * *

By the time the clock struck twelve, none of the three genin had managed to get a bell.

They trudged back to the training ground in dejected solidarity, covered in mud and scratches from crawling through the underbrush, and, in Naruto's case, still completely soaking wet.

"You all failed the test," Kakashi said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, we _know_," Sasuke grumbled. "Thank you for informing us of the obvious. I never would have guessed otherwise."

"Well, at least we'll be going back to the Academy together," Naruto said optimistically. "I mean, I know it's only been something like twenty-four hours, but I already feel like we'd make a good team. Plus we have Sakura's plan; that's got to count for something."

Sakura smiled halfheartedly. "Would've been nice to pass this time around, but it isn't vital," she noted. "In the long run, anything we could have accomplished as new genin, we could have done in the Academy."

"Except for going on missions," Sasuke pointed out.

"Oh, yeah," Sakura said apologetically. "I'm sorry if you guys needed the wages. I have my parents to support me, but…"

"Nah, I'll be fine," Naruto said, shaking his head. "I get an allowance from the War Orphans' Fund."

"And I have my clan inheritance," Sasuke added. "Unsurprisingly, there were no other claimants for the assets of 72 adult Uchiha who were murdered during the massacre, leaving me the sole heir to all of them."

"Wow," Naruto said impressed. "That's really kind of morbid."

"Yeah, I know," Sasuke agreed.

"Um, excuse me?" Kakashi said. "I was kind of about to make a dramatic speech about values. If you wouldn't mind holding off on resigning yourselves to your fate? Some reluctance to give up would be appreciated right now."

"I'll never give up!" Naruto declared immediately. "If there's a way to peace, I'll find it!"

"That's… not really applicable to the situation," Kakashi said slowly. "But I appreciate the sentiment?"

"Naruto, stop quoting your book at people," Sakura said patiently. "There is a time and place for a heroic monologue, and this isn't it."

"A monologue is _always_ the solution," Naruto corrected. "If there's anything this book taught me, it's that you have to talk to people until they tell you everything sad that ever happened in their lives, and then you work them through, it, and then they turn into your friends."

"I think I missed something," Sasuke said doubtfully.

"Naruto, I think you're mixing up being a ninja and being a psychiatrist," Sakura said. "One involves slightly less killing than the other."

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm right," Naruto assured her.

"Even so, this really isn't the time to talk to our maybe-not-future-jounin-sensei about his maybe-tragic past," she pointed out.

"That might be true," Naruto admitted. "The best time for a heroic monologue is right in the middle of a life-or-death battle."

"Really?" Sasuke mused. "I thought that was the time for weird cryptic statements about fate and filling vessels and proving capacity and crying tears of blood."

"What is that, some kind of weird innuendo?" Naruto asked.

"No, just a family tradition."

"You must have an interesting family," Naruto observed.

"Had," Sasuke corrected.

"Oh, you're an orphan? Hey, me too! We can be orphan buddies!"

"One, we _literally _just went over the circumstances of my parents' murder, don't even pretend we didn't," said Sasuke flatly. "And two? No."

"But-"

"You're _just_ an orphan," Sasuke said. "My family was brutally slaughtered by my older brother when I was seven. That is _not_ the same thing."

Naruto gave him a look. "I'm beginning to think that using Kakashi's tragic childhood as a means to change his decision to fail us is less of a priority than working through _your_ issues."

"I'm perfectly stable," Sasuke insisted. "Wanting to get stronger so I can track down and kill the only family I have left is a perfectly logical response to the genocide of my entire clan at his hands."

"I don't know," Naruto said doubtfully. "Some of that 'tears of blood' stuff sounded a lot like 'I am emotionally scarred' to me."

"Are you done?" asked Sakura.

"I don't know," Naruto admitted. "It really depends on whether Sasuke decides to let us talk him through the trauma of his childhood."

"Sasuke?" she prompted.

"Not a chance," he said flatly.

"If you're all done, can _I _get back to _my _speech, please?" Kakashi asked pointedly.

"Sorry, we're listening now," said Sakura. "Please continue."

"As I was saying: in this ninja world-"

"Oh, I know that quote!" Naruto interrupted. "It's 'in this ninja world, it's destroy or be destroyed', right?"

"Naruto, shut up!" Sakura and Sasuke chorused.

"Sorry," Naruto apologized.

"In this ninja world, those who disobey the rules are scum. That said, those who abandon their comrades are even worse than scum." Kakashi glared at Naruto. "There, I'm done saying my bit. _Now _you can talk."

"That's very profound," Naruto said approvingly. "I like it. Hey, can I quote you?"

"Well, technically I didn't come up with that saying," Kakashi admitted. "It was a friend of mine who said it first. He was a true hero. Naturally, he's dead now."

"Oh. Figures," Naruto said. "That sucks."

"Yeah," Kakashi agreed.

"So what you're saying is that in working together to take you down and refusing to let the threat of failure break up our teamwork, we've succeeded in looking 'underneath the underneath' and following your true instructions?" Sakura asked tentatively.

"Pretty much," Kakashi said with a nod.

"So… does that mean we pass?"

"Yep. Welcome to Team Seven." Kakashi smiled. "I think I'm starting to like you guys."

"Was that another threat?" Naruto demanded. "That sounded really threatening. I think he's plotting something. Back me up on this one, guys."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kakashi said innocently.

* * *

Being a genin was a little underwhelming.

The three young members of Team Seven were soon acquainted with the distinctly unglamorous work that was involved in being on the lowest rung of the ladder of ninja ranks. This included such varied tasks as weeding gardens, finding lost cats, babysitting, painting fences, and planting crops of rice.

Kakashi usually spent his time reading his book and absently telling them to work harder. Other times he vanished altogether and left them to report to the mission allocation center on their own.

Today was one such day.

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were busy doing basic repair work on a farmer's broken fence when a thought occurred to Naruto.

"So I've been wondering," Naruto said to no one in particular. "Who _pays_ for D-rank missions?"

Sakura looked up, brushing a lock of sweaty hair out of her face. "What?"

"Who's paying for this?" Naruto repeated, gesturing around.

"The farmer, I guess."

"Yeah, but _why?_"

"Obviously he needs his fence fixed," Sasuke pointed out crossly. "Why else would he hire someone to fix his fence?"

"That is true," Naruto acknowledged. "But what I meant was, why would he hire three children who are highly trained in combat but have absolutely no woodworking or construction skills?"

"Not to mention that D-ranks cost a lot of money," Sakura added, cottoning on. "I mean, the standard fee for a D-rank mission is 5,000 ryo- for _each_ of us, plus a nominal fee, something like 300 ryo for our jounin sensei's supervision. That comes to 15,300 ryo just to pay three unqualified preteens to fix a fence."

"Still less than a C-rank," Sasuke said with a shrug.

"Well, yeah, a C-Rank is 30,000 ryo- but if you pay for a C-rank, you're getting highly trained bodyguards, and people who need bodyguards usually do have that spending power," Sakura concluded. "All things considered, a poor repair job on a fence should not cost more than half as much as a group of bodyguards."

"Right?" Naruto said. "I think there's a conspiracy."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and went back to painting the fence. "Even if there is, why do you care?" he asked. "All that would mean is that you're getting paid more than you should be for easier work."

"That is a valid point," Naruto agreed. "But the more pressing matter is that D-rank missions suck, and I don't want to do them anymore."

"We don't really have a choice," Sakura pointed out. "We're brand-new genin. D-ranks are all we're allowed to do."

"But if we can track down a conspiracy, they'll _have_ to let us do C-ranks. Otherwise the secret will get out."

"That's a nice thought, but I don't think it'll work." Sakura folded her arms. "Let's just play by the rules, and sooner or later we'll make our way up the ranks and they'll give us more interesting missions."

"Just let it go already. The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can get back to training," Sasuke said reasonably.

"Fine. I'll be obedient," Naruto said with a sigh.

* * *

"Hey, old man! We're onto your little scheme!" Naruto declared defiantly.

The Hokage took a sip of his tea. "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to clarify which scheme you're accusing me of."

"There are more?"

"I _am_ the leader of a ninja village," the Hokage pointed out. "So, yes. I am involved in quite a few schemes of importance. If you wouldn't mind giving me some context for this accusation? Which scheme are you talking about?"

"The one where genin are paid disproportionately high amounts for what should be cheap labor?" Naruto tried. "That is a scheme, right?"

"Ah," the old man deadpanned. "Yes. You've caught on to my evil plan of raising the minimum wage for unskilled genin."

"I knew it!" Naruto cried. To Sakura and Sasuke he declared, "We have a confession!"

"I don't think that was a-"

"Now we have leverage!" Naruto said, pleased with himself.

Sakura sighed. "That isn't how this works, Naruto."

"Well, _I_ have the leverage, so it works the way I say it works. Give us a C-rank mission, old man!"

"Oh, no," said the Hokage blandly. "I have no choice but to comply with your demands. Clearly you are a master negotiator."

Iruka-sensei sat beside the Hokage in his role as mission allocations supervisor. Anyone who was watching would have seen him cover his face with his hands and sigh in bone-deep exasperation.

"Yes! We did it!"

Sakura gave up. "Good job, Naruto. We're very proud of you."

"So what's our mission?" Naruto asked eagerly.

"It's a vital task that no one else can do," the Hokage said seriously, "But I know I can entrust you three- and Kakashi- with this unspeakably dangerous mission."

Sasuke perked up. "Dangerous?" he said with interest. "What kind of dangerous?"

"A world-renowned bridge builder is accomplishing a feat heretofore unheard of," the old man declared. "He intends to build a bridge from the islands of Wave country all the way to the mainland. He requires a protection detail as he returns to his homeland to construct the bridge."

"Cool!" said Naruto.

"Hang on," said Sakura. "He's from Wave Country originally?"

"So I am told," the Hokage agreed.

"And he's going back there to build a bridge?" she clarified. "And he needs protection detail in case someone attacks him on the way back?"

"Well, yes," Hiruzen confirmed.

"So- correct me if I'm wrong- but it _sounds _like he made the long, dangerous trip from Wave Country all the way to the Hidden Leaf on his own, just so he could purchase the expensive services of a group of ninja to protect him on his way _back _from buying the mission. What made him want to come to Konoha in the first place? Why not just stay in Wave Country?"

"Culinary tourism?" Naruto suggested. "Konoha has some fine ramen."

"The bodyguard mission carries over to guarding him while the bridge is completed," Hiruzen explained. "So he came to request bodyguards to protect the construction workers in Wave Country. Guarding him on the way back is just an added bonus for him."

"Still, why would he need bodyguards for a construction project? What kind of bandits would attack a bunch of people building a bridge? There have got to be better targets- what would there be to steal on a bridge site, raw concrete?"

"Maybe it's made of gold," Naruto offered.

Sakura gave him a look.

"Never mind, then."

"You bring up some valid points," the Hokage admitted. "But it isn't really our policy to try to convince people that they _don't_ need to purchase missions, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention those valid points to the client."

Sakura frowned, but subsided.

"By the way, where's Kakashi?" the Hokage inquired. "Isn't he with you?"

Naruto sighed in a long-suffering manner. "He wandered off again. Really, we just don't have the time to keep track of him. He should really learn to look after himself."

"Ah," the Hokage said, nodding wisely. "Well, I'll introduce you to your client now. But you should be sure to tell Kakashi all the details after the briefing. It's very important, so don't forget."

"Not even _we_ would forget something like that," Naruto said, looking offended.

The Hokage shrugged. "That's fine, then. You there," he said, pointing at a chunin. "Send the client in."

"Wait, you mean he was waiting outside this whole time?" Sakura asked. "Since before you even knew you were going to send us on this mission? What was he doing out there? How _long_ has he been out there?"

"I don't know," the old man admitted. "Most likely a few hours."

"Tazuna the bridge builder, sir," announced the chunin at the door.

A man entered who looked to be in his late fifties or early sixties. He wore eyeglasses, and his hair and beard were grey. He was fit- evidently being a bridge builder kept one in shape. His clothes were modest, and he had a towel slung around his shoulder.

And, of course, he had a bottle of sake in one hand.

"Oh, so 'm _finally _gonna get m'mission?" he slurred. "Terrible cust'mer s'rvice 'round here."

"Is he _drunk_ already?" Sakura asked in dismay. "It's ten in the morning!"

"I feel like he's a bad influence that you should keep away from children," Naruto noted. "I'm very young and impressionable, you know."

"Yeah," Sasuke said sarcastically. "It isn't like we're ninja who are trained to kill people for a living or anything."

"I resent that remark," Naruto said, folding his arms. "You can't just paint all ninja with the same brush. Some ninja are bad, and some ninja are good and virtuous."

"They're really not, though," Sakura argued. "Ninja are kind of bad, by definition."

"No, ninja have codes of honor and they never fight a disarmed opponent and they never stab anyone in the back and they protect the ones who are precious to them," Naruto explained. "That's what it said in _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_, and that was written by one of the Sannin, so there."

"Wait," Tazuna said, suddenly looking alert. "Please tell me you aren't assigning this group of kids to be my bodyguards."

"Well, I already did," the Hokage said apologetically. "Sorry."

"I don't feel very safe at all," Tazuna muttered. "Tell me I didn't just pay you 30,000 ryo so I could babysit three of your kids?"

"Certainly not," the Hokage said plainly. "Their instructor is going along with them. I'm afraid he couldn't be bothered to show up for the briefing, though. He'll show up tomorrow when you depart. Probably."

"Poor Kakashi-sensei. We have to look after him all the time," Naruto confessed. "He's a little scatterbrained."

Tazuna didn't look very reassured.

* * *

**Notes:** The numbers for the mission fees came from this astoundingly informational blog (reformat url as needed):**  
**

https : doubleslash theredcourage dot wordpress dot com slash 2012 slash 04 slash 28 slash naruto-ryo-the-canon-currency

It could be argued that Sakura's calculations are incorrect if one assumes that the fee for a mission is uniformly paid to the village, which then pays consistent wages to its employees based on their rank. That being said, D-rank missions are still ridiculously overpriced for untrained child labor. Do I sense a conspiracy? Maybe.

Also, yes. In rereading these manga chapters, I realized that neither Sakura nor Naruto seem to recall the Uchiha massacre at all. Nor does Sakura know that Sasuke's parents are dead at this point in the manga. Because suspense, I guess.

This story is updated weekly on Fridays from 6:00pm to 9:00pm EST. Reviews are appreciated.


	4. On Puddles and Melodrama

**Tales of a Gutsy Ninja**: Twelve-year-old Naruto takes refuge from the summer heat in a bookstore. Naturally, chaos ensues. (OR: Kakashi honestly didn't understand his genin team. He hoped he never would.)

* * *

**Chapter IV: On Puddles and Melodrama**

* * *

They set off for Wave Country the next morning at nine in the morning.

When Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke arrived at 8:55, they found to their shock that Kakashi-sensei was already at the gates, waiting for them with an unhappy expression on his face.

"Sasuke, did you give me a concussion again?" Naruto asked. "Because I think I'm having hallucinations."

"No, he's there," Sakura confirmed. "I see him too."

"I don't know if I should trust you, though," Naruto confessed. "Didn't you say you have a violent split personality? That seems like maybe I should be wary of using you as a reference for mental stability."

"I see him too," Sasuke pointed out. "Do _I _count as stable?"

"Actually, I want to say no to that too," Naruto said, wincing. "Given you're still working through the trauma of the Uchiha massacre."

"The _what_ massacre?" Sakura asked absently.

"Just because my brother killed my whole family, it doesn't make me much more likely than anyone else to hallucinate." Sasuke corrected. "You're mixing up PTSD and delirium."

"Maybe," Naruto admitted. "Hey, Kakashi-sensei! Are you real?"

"Real and irritated," Kakashi confirmed.

"What are you doing here so early?" Naruto asked curiously. "Sakura, what time did you tell him to show up?"

"Two-thirty," she said blithely. "I thought it was the safer option. I didn't want anyone to get bored waiting and suggest strip poker again, _especially_ not if Tazuna was around. He might have wanted to play too."

"That's true," Naruto said with a shudder.

"Didn't you trust me to arrive on time?" Kakashi said, giving them all a wounded look. "You have such little faith in your teacher."

"Well, what time _did_ you show up?" Naruto asked practically.

Kakashi hesitated. "…fifteen minutes ago," he admitted at last.

"Did it occur to you that we might have been telling the truth about leaving at two thirty and had just given up on waiting for you and set off to Wave Country on our own?" Sakura asked pointedly.

"It actually didn't," Kakashi said thoughtfully. "Would you have?"

"Probably not," Sakura admitted. "It might be a good plan in the future, though. I'm not very patient."

* * *

Tazuna showed up five minutes later, at nine.

He looked visibly relieved to see Kakashi there, looking like a consummate professional, heavily armed and sporting a jounin vest. Perhaps to demonstrate his relief, or perhaps to steel his nerves, he took another swig from his bottle of sake.

"Are you honestly drinking? It's nine in the morning," Naruto scolded. "I'm beginning to think we should be addressing your unhealthy lifestyle in some more direct way."

"_My_ unhealthy lifestyle?" Tazuna snorted. "I'm a bridge builder, kid. You're a ninja. Do you really have any room to criticize me?"

"He has a point," Sakura noted. "He looks like he's about sixty. How many ninja do you know who survive that long?"

"One?" Naruto said. "The old man, obviously."

"Four," Sasuke corrected. "The legendary Sannin are in their sixties, now, I think."

"Yeah. My point being that the life expectancy for an average ninja is pretty ridiculously low," Sakura explained. "I'm glad my parents weren't ninjas, or I would be a lot more worried about them surviving to see my adulthood."

"My mom was a ninja, and she's dead," Naruto contributed.

"Everyone in my clan was a ninja, and they're all dead," Sasuke offered. "All 72 adults and 34 children and even the three who managed to survive to retirement."

"My dad was a ninja, too," Kakashi added. "And he's dead."

"Yeah, I think he has a valid point."

"I wonder if we should be more concerned that the recruitment process for such a dangerous career path begins at age 7," Sakura mused. "I mean, are seven-year-olds really able to understand and agree to the things a life as a ninja will entail?"

"You're telling me," Kakashi said. "I made chunin at age six. I don't really think I made the wrong choice, but in retrospect, it's pretty twisted."

"Are you guys planning to sit around all day talking about how much it sucks to be a ninja?" Tazuna asked. "Because I'd like to get home as soon as I can."

"Right." Kakashi nodded. "Okay, crew. Let's move out."

"Roger that!" Naruto cheered.

* * *

They set out from the village gates with a final glance back at their home. It was a beautiful day for travel: clear blue skies, a bright sun, and a crisp breeze coming from over the Hokage Mountain

"I've never left the village before," Naruto admitted. "This is kind of exciting."

"Really?" Sakura asked. "That's surprising."

"Not especially," Sasuke pointed out. "I mean, it's a really big village. Besides, what's there to see out here? We're surrounded by miles of unoccupied forest. You'd have to travel for the better part of a day to get to the nearest small village on foot. Not to mention that Naruto is an underage orphan. Who would take him out of the village?"

"No, I meant it was surprising he hadn't snuck out before now. It seems like the kind of thing he would try to do, chunin guarding the gates or not."

"Who said I never tried?" Naruto asked sulkily. "Those chunin at the gates are _fast._"

"You kids are not inspiring me with confidence in your skills," Tazuna announced. "Especially you, short super-brat with the ugly face."

"Excuse me," Naruto said, looking offended. "I have a _name_."

Tazuna shrugged. "I don't know it."

"Wait, really?" Sakura asked.

"They never told me any of your names," Tazuna confirmed. "And you ran out without introducing yourselves."

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke looked struck by sudden horror.

"Oh, no," Naruto breathed. "_Introductions_."

"What this I'm hearing about you not introducing yourselves properly?" Kakashi said, smiling serenely. "Well, we'll have to fix that straight away."

"Thanks," Sasuke said to Tazuna sarcastically. "You said the magic words."

"I was hoping we'd never have to do that again," Sakura sighed.

"Everyone had better go around and talk about their likes, dislikes, hobbies and dreams for the future," Kakashi decided. "That's really the only thing we can do."

"All I really need to know is their names," Tazuna said hurriedly. "Actually, really not even that. I'm fine going through this mission calling them brats."

"Quick, Naruto!" Sakura hissed. "Campaign speech, now!"

"Huh? Why?"

"Because I am _keenly_ interested in your ramen policies," Sakura announced. "Please, could you go into more detail about your plans for tax exemption for state-certified ramen facilities?"

"Well," Naruto said doubtfully. "I suppose since you asked…"

* * *

The next half an hour was spent by Naruto eagerly explaining the ramen-making process and why it should be supported by the government. The other four people in the group spent the next half hour carefully tuning him out. It made for nice background noise- and really, anything was better than having Kakashi orchestrate icebreakers.

Naruto was just wrapping up with his 'Vote Orange this October' tagline when they passed a small, inconspicuous puddle in the middle of the road.

Sakura, Sasuke, Kakashi, and Tazuna did the sensible thing and walked around it so they wouldn't get their feet wet.

Naruto let out a cry of delight, ran forward, and stomped in the puddle, sending muddy water flying everywhere.

"Sometimes I seriously think you're a five-year-old," Sakura informed him irritably as she pulled out a handkerchief to wipe off her mud-spattered face. "You could have at least waited until everyone else was out of the way."

"Sorry," Naruto said contritely. "But my puddle-stomping instincts couldn't be denied."

Sasuke was glaring at him something fierce as he scrubbed his face clean with one of his arm warmers. "I'm beginning to remember why everyone hated you in the Academy," he said pointedly.

Tazuna just looked down at his newly muddied clothes with a resigned expression. Being a bridge-builder, he probably wasn't too fastidious. Naruto approved.

Kakashi seemed somewhat distracted. He didn't even seem to notice the large spatter of mud oozing into his hair. Instead, he cast a speculative look at the remnants of the puddle in the road.

"When was the last time it rained?" he asked absently.

"Two weeks ago," Sakura said immediately. "Monday the seventeenth."

"Oh, yeah," Naruto said, wrinkling his nose. "The day we had to paint that guy's fence. You'd think he'd have rescheduled, but _no_. He hired ninja to paint his fence, and that fence was going to be painted, darn it."

"Using shadow clones as a makeshift rain shelter was actually a somewhat inspired idea," Sasuke noted. "Good job, Sakura."

She blushed. "Thanks."

"Yeah, easy for you to say," Naruto muttered. "You weren't stuck waiting there for three hours as we waited for the rain to pass. That was an awful lot of paint fumes I inhaled. Probably killed about half of my brain cells. Thanks_ so_ much."

"Well, that explains why you thought jumping in the puddle was a good idea," Sakura retorted.

Naruto shrugged. "Meh. We're ninja. Mud is not our enemy."

"About that," Kakashi said. "You might want to find cover."

"What? Why?"

Their question was answered as a figure rose up from the remnants of the puddle. In an instant, the figure- revealed to be a ninja by the headband, not to mention the fact he was using ninjutsu- wrapped the chain around Kakashi and yanked hard.

Bits of Kakashi went flying everywhere.

Sakura reflexively pulled out her handkerchief to wipe the spatter of guts off her face. "This handkerchief is so totally ruined," she mused. "Hey, guys. I think I might be going into post-traumatic shock? Yeah, definitely post-traumatic shock. Please stop me if I start hyperventilating."

"What was that about mud not being our enemy?" Sasuke asked.

"Is he _dead?_" Naruto demanded. "That's surprisingly dark."

"Well, he was a ninja. We've already established that a ninja's life expectancy is like, twenty-five, or something," Sakura said, still looking a little dazed. "I guess it was his time to go."

"I'll avenge him," Sasuke said, looking unusually cheerful. "Just give me a few minutes."

"No fair, it's my turn," Naruto argued. "You already have, like, a whole clan of people to avenge. I want to avenge our sensei."

"I'll protect Tazuna," Sakura decided absently. "Seeing as the ninja appears to be attacking him now."

She ran, placing herself in between the enemy ninja and their client, pulling out a kunai to defend herself and Tazuna. The enemy ninja swooped down to attack her, one hand in a spiked gauntlet dripping with poison.

"Oh, hey, not cool," Naruto complained. "I already called vengeance on this guy, you can't just ignore that."

"It's true," Sasuke noted. "There is a protocol for these things."

"But if she can steal vengeance from us," Naruto reasoned, "then I don't see why we can't just steal it back."

"I like that idea," Sasuke said. "Excuse me."

He sprinted over to where Tazuna was cowering behind the kunai-wielding Sakura. With mere seconds until the ninja reached them, he slipped in front of Sakura, intercepting the enemy ninja's path to her.

"You too?" Naruto groaned. "So much for fair play."

"Sorry, kids," said Kakashi, suddenly appearing in front of Sasuke. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I'll be avenging myself today."

"Eeep! Ghost!" squeaked Naruto. "Protect me, Sasuke!"

Sasuke gave him an exasperated look. "Would you please stop doing that?" he demanded. "It's not that I care if you want to act like you're five, but as your rival, it reflects badly on me."

"But- wait, did you just call me your rival?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sasuke lied. "Hey, look, a battle."

Kakashi made short work of the enemy ninja. He didn't kill him, but he seized him around the neck, cutting the poisoned chain and gauntlet with a kunai, and threw him against a tree. Then he backhanded him solidly across the head, knocking him unconscious.

He dusted off his hands. "Hi, kids!"

"Hi, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said with a serene smile. "Nice to see you aren't dead. Care to explain why you chose to emotionally scar your students this morning?"

"Well, that wasn't my goal exactly," Kakashi said sheepishly.

"Look on the bright side, Sakura," Naruto offered. "At least now you can say you've had an emotionally scarring childhood, just like Sasuke and me. We can be trauma buddies!"

"Sasuke had an emotionally scarring childhood?" Sakura asked. "You mean seeing Kakashi 'die' just now?"

"No," Sasuke corrected. "He means seeing my formerly-beloved-older-brother murder my entire extended family, from infants to grandparents, when I was seven years old, and being told that it was all to test the capacity of his vessel."

"Still sounds like an innuendo," Naruto snickered.

"Huh," Sakura mused. "I feel like I should have heard about that at some point during my childhood."

"You _did_," Sasuke enunciated. "I have told you about _six times_."

"I don't remember that," Sakura said doubtfully.

"I wonder if I should feel concerned that Sasuke feels the need to bring up the massacre of his family at every opportunity," Naruto mused. "He's a little bit stuck on that."

Sasuke resisted the urge to bang his forehead against the nearest tree.

Tazuna looked dismayed. "Is that a _normal_ thing in a ninja village?" he asked uncertainly. "Because I'm suddenly wondering how much I should trust you guys to be stable."

"Oh, no," Naruto assured him. "Massacres are pretty rare."

"Or did you mean tragic childhoods?" Sakura asked. "Because, yeah, those are actually pretty common, I think."

"But that's pretty much what you'd expect," Naruto mused. "I mean, we already know that ninja barely ever survive to retirement. And these days, just having a dead parent meets the requirements for a tragic childhood."

Sasuke shook his head sadly. "How the standards have fallen."

"I think being bullied mercilessly also counts these days," Sakura added. "I mean, it works for Hinata, Choji, and Lee."

"Who's Lee?" Naruto asked absentmindedly.

"He was one year ahead of us in the academy," Sakura said. "You must have seen him. He had the big eyebrows and the braid and was always practicing taijutsu in the courtyard. The other kids basically hated his guts and bullied him all the time."

"Doesn't ring a bell," Naruto admitted.

"But if being bullied counts, then I _do_ have a tragic childhood," Sakura cheered. "Excellent! Now I can talk about my sad childhood in the middle of battle and have a heroic monologue!"

"Over a big forehead?" Sasuke asked skeptically. "Please don't."

"It was enough to give me a violent split personality," Sakura pointed out. "I think that totally counts."

"But you can't be like, 'I understand your suffering- I too suffered. I had… a _big forehead_.' It doesn't have the same ring to it," Naruto pointed out. "It doesn't work in the same way that having dead parents does."

She sighed. "I guess that _would_ be a little silly, wouldn't it."

Tazuna looked more than a little disturbed.

"Excuse me," Kakashi said, looking a little miffed. "Will you please quit interrupting me? I was about to explain why I chose to fake my untimely death in front of three very impressionable, already marginally unstable children."

"Also why it had to be so bloody?" Sakura asked. "You ruined my handkerchief."

"That was just for kicks," Kakashi admitted. "Sorry."

Sakura folded her arms. "Continue."

"Well, I had my doubts about our client from the beginning," Kakashi explained. "I mean, why would he come all the way to Konoha unprotected just to order a protection mission on the way back?"

"I already asked the Hokage that," Sakura informed him. "He told me it wasn't sound business practice to question the client. Also that he was getting protection for the bridge construction."

"Plus," Kakashi said, showing no signs of listening to her, "Wave Country isn't in a very politically stable place right now, from what I understand."

"Doesn't that just lend credence to his story?" Sakura replied. "I would definitely be more concerned about bridge-bandits attacking my construction project if my country weren't politically stable."

"And perhaps most troubling of all, that was a very sketchy-looking puddle," Kakashi concluded.

"It's true it couldn't have come from rain," Sakura reasoned. "But this is the main road from Konoha's gates through the forest. It probably gets a lot of use every day. Someone walking ahead of us might have spilled a canteen or dropped off some ice and let it melt in the sun."

"No, I'm with Kakashi-sensei on this one," Naruto said apologetically. "That was definitely a sketchy-looking puddle."

"Is _that_ why you felt the urge to stomp in it?" Sasuke muttered under his breath.

Naruto considered. "You know, I think it might have been. I must have felt the puddle's evil intent and subconsciously wanted to neutralize the threat as soon as possible."

"Or he just naturally acts like a five-year-old," Sasuke suggested.

"I'm partial to that theory," Sakura agreed.

"_Anyway_," Kakashi said. "I swear, you kids have a terrible habit of interrupting my explanations."

"Sorry," Naruto said contritely.

"As I was saying, I had my suspicions. And I knew there was a ninja in the sketchy puddle. So I purposely left myself open-"

"Only to switch yourself with a log using the Replacement Technique while under a Transformation, yes," Sakura completed. "That was kind of obvious when the guts turned into pieces of wood and you showed up. We just want to know _why_."

"I wanted to know who the real target was," Kakashi explained. "It could've been that they were after the bounty on my head. Or it could have been that they were after our client, and our client wasn't telling us the truth about his reasons for getting a protection mission."

"Or they could have been after me," Naruto added.

"That's true," Kakashi admitted. "I didn't think of that."

"Why would they go after an unremarkable genin like Naruto?" Sakura asked.

"Oh, no reason," Naruto said hurriedly. "Just… you know. My secret knowledge of ramen. That sort of thing."

"It seems more likely that they'd go after me than Naruto," Sasuke pointed out. "After all, I have the potential to awaken the Sharingan. They could study my genetics and attempt to replicate the dojutsu, or force me to activate it and then transplant it."

"What's the Sharingan?" Sakura asked blankly.

Sasuke gave her a disbelieving look. "You can't be serious. _Everyone_ knows that the Uchiha have the Sharingan. We are _literally_ world-famous for it. The Sharingan and the Byakugan are the Hidden Leaf's two most powerful and most well-known bloodlines."

"No, I don't think I've ever heard of it," Sakura said.

"Me neither" Naruto asked. "Actually, what's the Byakugan?"

"Are you sure you've been living in the same village as me for the last few years?" Sasuke demanded. "Because there is seriously no way you _don't_ know the answers to those questions."

"I guess I wasn't paying attention in class?" Naruto offered lamely.

"I was paying attention in class," Sakura said. "But Byakugan and Sharingan don't ring a bell."

"I thought you were supposed to be the nerd of our group," Sasuke objected. "I'm beginning to doubt your qualifications."

"Stop being melodramatic and just explain already," Naruto scolded him. "It'll make things much faster."

"No," Kakashi said firmly. "You are going to let _me_ finish _my_ explanation. We will get to _your_ explanation later, when we have time. Or so help me, I'll wake up that ninja and have you all introduce yourselves to him."

"We'll be good," Naruto promised vehemently.

"Since the ninja kept attacking after 'killing' me, instead of making off with my corpse," Kakashi said, raising a finger, "I knew that I wasn't the real target. I guess he could have been going after Naruto or Sasuke-"

"-I feel so unloved," Sakura complained.

"-but he instead went after Tazuna," Kakashi continued. "Which means that there is something Tazuna is not telling us about that makes rogue puddle-ninja want to kill him more than any of us. Which means that this really isn't a C-rank mission, and that our client is lying to us."

"These are serious accusations," Naruto observed. "Do you have a defense, Mr. Tazuna?"

"Not really," Tazuna admitted. "I do have a tragic story to tell, though."

Naruto nodded gravely. "The court will accept a tragic story. Proceed."

"What court?" Sakura muttered.

"Wave Country is under the control of an evil business magnate by the name of Gato," Tazuna explained. "He owns almost everything, and he's stifling our economy so that we can barely pay for food to eat, let alone escape from his control. We're islands completely cut off from the outside world, so the only trade we have is through Gato Corporation. If we had a bridge to the outside world, we could circumvent his control and trade with the outside world on our own. So we began building a bridge."

"This isn't really a tragic story," Naruto noted. "There aren't enough crying children sitting on swing sets. It is wholesale depressing, though, and I suppose that counts for something."

"But Gato noticed we were building a bridge, and so now he's sending mercenaries to kill me before the bridge can be completed. But we didn't have the money for an A-Rank mission, so I had to lie and ask for a C-rank mission," Tazuna gave them a slightly inebriated attempt at puppy-dog eyes. "If you leave me now, my daughter will curse the Leaf with her final breaths and my grandson will cry. And, um, sit on a swing set while doing so."

"Well, I guess it can't be helped," Naruto said slowly.

"What?" Sakura said in surprise. "It can _definitely_ be helped, Naruto. We are literally about an hour away from the village. We could go back now without any problem."

"But his grandson…"

"We are _not_ trained to fight off high-ranking enemy ninja," Sakura emphasized. "The most likely outcome of all of this is that we will all die, Tazuna will die, and his grandson will cry anyway. And then _Iruka-sensei_ will cry too, because you will be dead."

"But they _need_ us," Naruto argued.

"They _need_ a group of highly-trained jounin and chunin," she corrected. "Not three brand-new genin and an instructor with a propensity for killing himself off."

"That was one time!" Kakashi protested. "Well, okay, twice. But two faked deaths does not a propensity make."

"But loyalty and friendship and values?"

"Are not really things that apply when a stranger lies to you so you'll do what he wants."

"But we formed a lasting bond! He told us about his tragic past!"

"That _is_ a compelling argument," Kakashi admitted.

"Not really," Sakura disagreed. "Sasuke, back me up here."

Sasuke considered. "Will I get stronger?"

"If you don't die, then probably, yes," Kakashi confirmed. "It would be hard not to, with really strong enemy ninja attacking you at every turn."

"I'm in, then," Sasuke shrugged. "Sorry, Sakura, but anything is better than more D-ranks."

Sakura threw up her hands. "Why don't we just swear a blood oath, then, since we're apparently reenacting a period drama?"

"Oh, good idea!" Naruto pulled out a kunai and made to stab himself.

"Stop, stop! I was _joking_."

"Aw." Naruto looked at Kakashi. "Can I do it anyway? That would be so cool…"

"It would probably be a bad idea to injure yourself," Kakashi admitted. "But don't worry. I'm sure if we keep going, we'll be able to find an enemy ninja who will do it for you."

"Fair enough." Naruto pocketed the kunai. "I'd better at least get to make a heroic monologue, though."

"At the very next opportunity," Kakashi promised.

Sakura hid her face in her hands. "Why is everyone on this team completely insane?" she said to herself. "Why couldn't I have been on a team with Shino and, oh, maybe Shikamaru? Their complete and utter blandness would have been such a comfort."

"All right, let's go save Wave Country!" Naruto declared.

"Wait, you mean my tragic story worked?" Tazuna demanded, aghast. "I should do that more often."

"I put it down to Naruto having a hero complex," Sakura informed him. "Don't get your hopes up about it working on anyone else."

"Oh, okay."

"Come, my friends!" Naruto cheered. "As the hero of _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_ would say, 'You give up on me giving up!' Or was it 'if there's a way to peace, I'll find it!' or 'shall I kill these children?' No, definitely not. Maybe 'I'll never turn my back on my comrades?' Or-"

"Hey, that was _my _quote," Kakashi protested.

"How about, 'Teachings which do not speak of pain have no meaning, for humankind cannot gain anything in return?" Sasuke offered.

Naruto made a face. "What is that, poetry? And it doesn't even make sense." He considered for a moment longer, and then admitted, "It does sound cool, though."

"I think so," Sasuke agreed.

"Where's it from?"

"Don't remember."

"Okay, guys," Sakura interrupted. "If you're determined to drag me along on this mission, you're at least not going to waste my time. Nix the speeches and let's _go_ already."

Naruto pouted. "Spoilsport."

* * *

**Notes: **Sorry for the delay in posting. It was finals week at my uni, shortly followed by packing up and heading home, so I was a little pressed for time.

Again with Naruto and Sakura not knowing things they really, really should. They did in fact have to have the Sharingan and Byakugan explained to them in the manga. (But then again, Naruto had to have _chakra_ explained to him, so I suppose it only gets worse from here.)

Also, if you're wondering where puddle ninja number two went... I imagine part of him is firmly adhered to Sakura's handkerchief, and another bit is still stuck in Kakashi's hair. You're welcome for that mental image. Remember: puddles are not to be trusted.

This story will be updated biweekly on Fridays between 6:00pm and 9:00pm EST. Reviews are appreciated.


	5. On Telepathy and More Puddles

**Tales of a Gutsy Ninja: **Twelve-year-old Naruto takes refuge from the summer heat in a bookstore. Naturally, chaos ensues. (OR: Kakashi honestly didn't understand his genin team. He hoped he never would.)

* * *

**Chapter V: On Telepathy and More Puddles  
**

* * *

"Over the hill and through the woods, to Grandmother Tazuna's house we go!" Naruto sing-songed loudly. "Or Grandpa Tazuna, I guess, if you prefer."

"I do," Tazuna confirmed.

"Naruto, we're supposed to be _quiet_ so the enemy ninja don't find us," Sakura pointed out. "And vigilant, in case we're being followed."

"Oh, right. Vigilance! I can do that." Naruto glanced around. "I don't see anyth- aha!"

He threw a kunai into the bushes.

A fluffy white bunny hopped out.

"First puddles, now _bunnies_?" Sakura demanded. "Do you just hate nature?"

"Of course not!" Naruto said, offended. "But you have to admit, that puddle had serious problems. I was completely justified in attacking it."

"You did _not_ know that puddle was hiding an evil ninja," Sakura said, folding her arms. I refuse to believe it."

Naruto shrugged. "The evidence speaks for itself."

"Duck!" Kakashi said suddenly.

"Not you too," Sakura said irritably. "I don't care if there are _dozens_ of ducks and bunnies and puddles in these woods, you don't have the right to attack them indiscriminately."

"No, I mean _get down_," Kakashi said. He shoved them to the ground just as an enormous metal blade went flying over their heads and slammed into a tree with resounding force.

"You really ought to have specified," Naruto criticized. "You got my hopes up. I've always wanted a pet duck."

"Why?" Sasuke asked curiously.

"Ever since I was a kid-"

"We are _not_ going off on that tangent right now," Sakura informed them both flatly. "This is an actual serious battle, and we are going to be actually serious throughout."

"Fine." Naruto scowled.

"Hey, look," Sasuke said. "A shirtless guy."

"What? Where?" Sakura demanded. Then she sighed. "Oh, the enemy ninja."

Naruto snickered; Sakura elbowed him.

"Who are you?" Kakashi demanded of the enemy ninja. "Why did you attack us?"

"I'm Zabuza Momochi," the enemy informed him coldly. "They call me the Demon of the Hidden Mist. I'm here to kill the bridge builder."

Kakashi blinked. "Huh. I didn't expect you to actually answer. That was kind of rhetorical."

Zabuza shrugged. "Why wouldn't I answer? You can't possibly beat me."

"Well, now you're just asking for it," Kakashi said, sounding a little put out. "You don't even know who I am."

Zabuza snorted. "And who are you?"

Kakashi pushed up one side of his headband, revealing an eye with a red iris and three slowly spinning tomoe. "Kakashi of the Sharingan. I like lots of things and I dislike some other things. My hobbies are eighteen-plus and I don't feel like telling you my dream for the future."

"I didn't ask any of that," Zabuza said flatly. "And now who's volunteering too much information?"

"What's the Sharingan?" Naruto asked curiously.

"_Now_ may I explain?" Sasuke asked, his patience clearly thinning. "Because I'm getting pretty tired of Naruto and Sakura not knowing things that they definitely should know after living in a ninja village for twelve years and training as ninja for five."

"Go ahead," Kakashi agreed. "And you might as well explain the Byakugan, too. Actually, just take a few minutes and bring them up to date on everything they've missed so we don't have to keep doing these explanations at every turn."

"But what about Zabuza?" Naruto protested. "Don't you need help?"

Kakashi winced. "Um, no. Not at all. How about you kids go and… uh, protect Tazuna. Yeah, that's a good idea. Just stay put and out of the way, and we should all be fine."

"I'm on it!" Naruto declared.

They arranged themselves around the bridge builder, each holding a kunai in their hands. Tazuna looked about halfway in between wanting to cry and wanting to throw up his hands in exasperation.

"I feel distinctly patronized," Sakura muttered. "I mean, we all know there's literally nothing we can do."

"We can give moral support?" Naruto offered.

"No way. We have business to attend to," Sasuke corrected. "First things first: the Sharingan is the inborn eye technique of the Uchiha clan…"

Ten minutes later, Naruto and Sakura were much better informed than they had been previously. Naruto was gaping.

"You mean _that's _how chakra works?" Naruto asked, sounding impressed. "Wow, I didn't know chakra had element types."

"Neither did I," Sakura admitted. "And to think that I somehow didn't know what a Tailed Beast is despite our village having been nearly destroyed by one not too long ago. We had some really remarkable holes in our education as ninja. What did we even learn in the Academy?"

"I learned how to turn into a naked lady," Naruto volunteered.

"I also find it interesting that Tailed Beasts are sealed in human containers called jinchuriki," Sakura added. "That certainly seems like something noteworthy that aspiring ninjas should know."

"Oh, um, yeah. How about that Byakugan, though?" Naruto said hurriedly. "Crazy stuff, huh?"

"Are you _sure_ you kids are actually qualified?" Tazuna asked doubtfully.

"Hopefully that should put an end to all your questions," Sasuke said, turning back to the front. "Because that was starting to get seriously irritating."

"Kind of on an unrelated subject," Naruto said, "But has anyone been paying attention to Kakashi's and Zabuza's fight at all?"

"I have," Tazuna volunteered.

"What's going on, then?"

"Zabuza was telling the story about how his home village tested Academy students to see whether they were ready to become genin by killing one another off," explained the bridge-builder. "And then the story about how he murdered his entire graduating class, earning the nickname of the Demon of the Hidden Mist. And then he was talking about how none of you are actual ninja, since you haven't killed anyone."

"That's not true," Naruto said, offended. "I killed a puddle."

"Not very successfully," Sakura said. "As it attacked us moments after you 'killed' it."

"It's the thought that counts?" Naruto tried.

"Why is it so foggy?" Sasuke wondered aloud. "I'm pretty sure things weren't like this before."

Naruto snickered. "I guess you could say I 'haven't the foggiest,' then."

Sasuke and Sakura gave him simultaneously disgusted looks.

"Please tell me you did not just say that," Sakura said flatly. "Or I'm going to find out whether you can disown a teammate."

"Sorry," Naruto said, a smile tugging at his lips. "I always seem to have my 'head in the clouds', don't I?"

"If you make one more pun," Sasuke enunciated, "I will take you down here and now, I swear. That is how _not at all amused_ I am."

"Oh, I can see you're _cirrus_ about this," Naruto retorted.

Sasuke lunged; Sakura caught his arm. He struggled against her hold halfheartedly for a moment longer, then sighed and turned back around, resuming his battle position.

"Later," Sakura promised him. "We'll get our revenge later."

"It had better be some good revenge," said Sasuke, shoulders still tense.

"Are you guys even paying _attention_ to my fight?" Kakashi's voice was plaintive. His silhouette was dim in the fog. "I'm risking my life to protect you here."

"Sort of?" Naruto offered. "Tazuna was watching."

"You guys are the worst students ever," Kakashi grumbled.

"There you are," Zabuza growled.

He appeared suddenly out of the mist behind Kakashi and swung his six-foot-long blade in an arc. Kakashi let out a gurgling cry as he was cut cleanly in two and fell to the ground… where he splashed into water.

"Again?" Sakura asked in exasperation. "How many times a day do you have to fake your own death?"

"First you get people pretending to be puddles, and now we have puddles pretending to be people," Naruto noted. "Is it any wonder I mix the two up so often?"

Zabuza snarled and turned, but Kakashi appeared behind him and pressed a kunai firmly to his jugular.

"Miss me?" Kakashi asked hopefully.

"The quality of your performance is dropping," Sakura said critically. "I'd give that barely four and a half out of ten."

Naruto nodded in agreement. "It lacked artistic inspiration."

"You're impossible to please," Kakashi sighed.

Zabuza turned; Kakashi stabbed down with his kunai. Zabuza fell to the ground and, much the same as Kakashi had only moments before, splashed into water which drained away into the ground.

"I think I'm getting a phobia of puddles," Naruto confessed. "It's starting to creep me out, with all these people turning into puddles turning into people."

"Come on, Naruto, pull yourself together." Sakura elbowed him.

"Stay alert," Sasuke advised.

"Though, now you mention it, would staying alert even help in this situation?" Sakura wondered aloud. "Honestly, I don't know if I could do anything to stop Zabuza if he decided to attack me. I don't think any of us could. He _is_ a jounin-level missing-nin."

"You can't give up," Naruto scolded her. "Look, Kakashi-sensei's doing everything he can to protect us…"

Zabuza kicked Kakashi hard in the gut, sending him flying twenty paces back. Kakashi landed in the water with an enormous splash of water. Kakashi surfaced, soaking wet and looking entirely peeved.

"Great Water Prison Technique," Zabuza announced, casually making hand signs.

A huge ball of water formed, trapping Kakashi inside. Their sensei glanced around, and then tried to struggle, all to no avail. He was stuck.

"Kakashi _was_ doing everything he could to protect us," Naruto corrected himself.

"And now he's stuck and we're probably all doomed," Sakura concluded. "And it'll be super embarrassing because no one dies on their first C-rank mission, and there won't be any survivors to explain that it was actually an A-rank that Naruto was too stubborn to back out of."

"I wonder how long Kakashi can hold his breath," Sasuke mused.

"Judging from the interesting shade of blue he's turning, not much longer."

"Don't worry, guys! I have a plan!" Naruto announced.

"A plan?" Sakura asked, bewildered.

"Yes," Naruto said meaningfully. "A _plan_."

"What plan?" Sakura asked impatiently.

"A _plan._"

"Oh," Sasuke said, cottoning on. "I get it."

"Get _what?"_ Sakura demanded. "He hasn't explained it at all."

"Of course not," Naruto said, rolling his eyes. "That would ruin the element of surprise."

"But it would help us figure out what your plan is," Sakura pointed out. "Because I actually have no idea what you're talking about."

"That's not a bad plan," Sasuke said approvingly. "I like it."

"How do _you_ know what it is?" Sakura asked. "He has said literally nothing about his plan except that he has one."

"The power of team bonding," Naruto said, as though that should have been obvious. "Honestly, Sakura, I'm a little hurt that it's taking you so long to figure this out."

"Team bonding does _not_ give you telepathy," Sakura said flatly. "I refuse to believe it."

"Urk," said Kakashi from inside the ball of water. "Gurgle gurgle."

"See, Kakashi-sensei agrees with me," Naruto said triumphantly.

"Kakashi-sensei is _drowning_," Sakura corrected him. "There's a difference."

"Oops. He _is_ drowning, you're right." Naruto glanced at Sasuke. "Are you ready, Sasuke?"

"As I'll ever be," Sasuke confirmed.

"Excellent." Naruto rummaged around in his backpack and drew out an enormous windmill shuriken. "We'll use _this_."

He tossed it to Sasuke, who caught it with a nod.

"How did you manage to fit that in your pack?" Sakura demanded. "Actually, _why_ did you put it in your pack? When has anyone _ever_ used a windmill shuriken?"

"Sasuke's using it now," Naruto pointed out. "Obviously."

"And other than that?"

Naruto thought for a moment, then shrugged. "I don't know. But _someone_ must have used it at _some_ point, or else why would they exist?"

"Kakashi-sensei's turning a nice shade of purple," Sasuke noted. "Excuse me, but I'm going to go through with the plan while you two bicker about impractical weaponry."

"You do that," Naruto agreed.

"Demon Windmill Shuriken!" Sasuke announced, holding the shuriken out in front of him. "Breath of the Shadow Wind."

"Yes, Sasuke, you're very pretty," Sakura said. "But our jounin-sensei is drowning, so…"

"I was getting to that," he informed her.

He spun around dramatically and threw the shuriken at Zabuza.

Zabuza grabbed it with his free hand, flipping it around expertly. "Is that the best you can do- ah!"

His exclamation was the result of a second shuriken racing towards him from the blind spot behind the first one. He jumped over it, rolling his eyes.

"I'm one of the Seven Swordsmen, kid," he informed Sasuke. "You think a trick like that is going to beat me?"

Sasuke shrugged. "No, but this next one might."

"Poof!" the shuriken said in Naruto's voice. Then there was an actual poof and the shuriken turned into Naruto, who threw a kunai at Zabuza's hand.

Zabuza yanked his hand away, and the water prison collapsed.

"Why, you-" Zabuza snarled and attacked Naruto.

Kakashi intercepted him neatly with a kunai.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto cheered. "Hey, guess what, I totally avenged you and stuff."

"I'm not _dead," _Kakashi pointed out. "You can't avenge someone who's still alive."

Naruto's face fell.

"You did well, though," Kakashi said eventually. "That was a good plan. Although I would have appreciated a little less bickering and a little more efficiency, since I was stuck in a water prison drowning as you debated the historical and practical uses of certain kinds of weapons."

"It was Sakura's fault," Sasuke pointed out.

"It kind of was," Naruto agreed. "She wasn't using her teamwork very well."

"Oh, thanks _ever_ so much for that, Mr. I Have A Plan And Won't Say What It Is."

Naruto shrugged. "Sasuke figured out the plan."

"I don't know _how_."

"Oh, come on! It was so simple!" Naruto protested. "All I had to do was make a clone and transform it into a shuriken, then throw the shuriken to Sasuke, who would know to combine it with his own shuriken and then throw both shuriken at Zabuza with his shuriken first so that Zabuza would catch the first one and jump over the second one, leaving him open to my attack from behind!"

"That is a _terrible plan_," Sakura said flatly. "What would you have done if Zabuza had done the sensible thing and deflected the second shuriken with the first one, instead of jumping? Or deflected your _kunai_ with the first shuriken?"

Zabuza looked suddenly thoughtful. "I didn't think of that."

"But he _didn't_, so it's okay," Naruto pointed out.

"When did you even transform the shadow clone into a shuriken?"

"While Zabuza was distracted fighting Kakashi-sensei," Naruto said. "He was so busy explaining how big and bad he was that he completely missed it. So did you all, for that matter."

"Excuse me," Kakashi said. "But if you're done explaining, I have a battle to finish. And this time there's vengeance involved."

"I thought you said you couldn't avenge yourself if you weren't dead," Naruto said doubtfully.

"Hush, kid. The grownups are talking." Kakashi's aura suddenly seemed much more menacing.

"Oh, sorry."

Kakashi grinned. "We adults have _business_ to attend to."

"That really does sound like some sort of innuendo," Sakura noted. "But good luck, sensei. Don't die if you can help it."

And with that, the battle began.

* * *

**A/N:** Teammate telepathy is totally a real thing, guys. And if you don't believe me, clearly we haven't done enough team bonding.

**To answer an FAQ:** This fic will begin to diverge from canon within the next few chapters. It's basically a slow-progressing alternate universe that doesn't take itself too seriously. It isn't just a retelling, and plot will happen (gradually). The witty banter will remain throughout.

This fic will be updated at some point in the future maybe. Or in the past, if I get my hands on a time machine. But that would raise all sorts of paradoxical questions, like, how would I be writing this? Unless I somehow erase this reality and create a new timeline- but that would have happened already, so I think we're safe. Or maybe it's multiverse theory, in which case some other universe would be getting chapter 6 before chapter 5 and would be very confused.

Anyway, review?


	6. On Gambling and Trees

**Tales of a Gutsy Ninja: **Twelve-year-old Naruto takes refuge from the summer heat in a bookstore. Naturally, chaos ensues. (OR: Kakashi honestly didn't understand his genin team. He hoped he never would.)

* * *

**Chapter VI: Gambling and Trees**

* * *

Zabuza against Kakashi was a surprisingly quick battle.

After a showdown where Kakashi seemed to effortlessly copy all of Zabuza's techniques while successfully psyching him out, he finished with a Great Waterfall Attack which blasted the enemy a good quarter-mile through the woods, finally slamming him against a tree. He slumped into unconsciousness as Kakashi advanced on him, kunai drawn.

"Wow," Naruto commented. "That was impressive."

"And all Kakashi has to do now is kill the guy!" Sakura said cheerfully. "As long as he doesn't miss at the last minute, that is."

"Don't be silly," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes. "There's no way he could miss at point-blank range."

"Well, you never know," Naruto equivocated. "It seems unlikely that he would just _miss_ after going to all the effort of pinning him down. But something else could happen."

"Like what?" Sakura asked curiously.

"A meteor could hit the earth and kill us all," Naruto suggested. "Or someone else could jump in and steal Kakashi's vengeance by killing Zabuza before he gets the chance to land a killing blow."

"Neither of those scenarios sound remotely plausible," Sakura said with a shrug. "I mean, none of us is going to try to steal the killing blow from Kakashi- and _no_, Sasuke, that _definitely wasn't a suggestion_."

Sasuke tried and failed to look innocent.

"But as I was saying," Sakura continued. "We're the only people around here, and if none of us is going to jump in and steal Kakashi-sensei's vengeance, and Tazuna probably couldn't do it even if he wanted to, I really don't think it's likely to happen."

Naruto thought for a moment. "Yeah, you're probably right," he admitted.

"So nothing could possibly go wrong!" Sakura agreed.

"Well, I don't know about that," Naruto said with a shrug. "Zabuza could have an androgynous associate lurking in the background to intercept at the last minute with an attack that puts Zabuza in a death-like trance, following which the associate retrieves the body and revives him days later for another attack."

There was a pause.

"But that's pretty unlikely," Naruto concluded. "All things considered, I'm on Sasuke's side."

"Definitely unlikely," Sakura agreed in relief. "I'm glad you do have a proper grip on reality sometimes."

"Sometimes?" Naruto demanded, offended. "I'm very realistic, I'll have you know."

"This from the kid who demanded everyone call him 'Ramen Lord' in third grade," Sasuke muttered. "Yes, very realistic."

Naruto flushed. "I was going through a phase."

"I thought it was cute," Sakura consoled him.

"Really?" he asked, perking up.

"Well, no, not really. I thought it was kind of stupid at the time," she admitted. "But in retrospect, it's kind of cute."

Naruto sighed. "Well, there's that."

"Kakashi has him pinned down," Sasuke said. "Hey, look, he's going for the finishing blow."

"Fifty ryo that he misses," Sakura said immediately. "Takers?"

"You're on," Naruto replied.

Zabuza was still slumped against the tree. He was injured, but alive. Possibly unconscious; it was hard to tell.

Kakashi approached him, a kunai in his hand.

He was about to strike when there was a sudden movement from the trees.

Two senbon needles slammed into Zabuza's neck, knocking him to the side. A masked ninja landed on a tree branch above the battle.

Sakura groaned. "Doesn't that count as a miss?" she asked hopefully. "He didn't hit him, after all."

"He didn't have time to attack in the first place," Naruto argued. "That was definitely an interception. Sasuke, back me up on this one."

Sasuke shrugged, more interested in the battle.

"Besides," Naruto said to Sakura. "You didn't bet on whether or not Kakashi would manage to kill him; you bet on whether or not he would _miss_. But _missing_ does imply that he had to at least have started the attack and failed."

"In a way, he did start the attack," Sakura pointed out. "If you count the Super Waterfall attack as the beginning of his death strike, and then the kunai as the failed conclusion."

"But we made the bet after the waterfall attack," Naruto pointed out.

Sakura shook her head. "We need a third party to deliberate this," she decided.

Naruto glanced up. "Hey, Masked Ninja!"

"Yes?" asked Kakashi and the newcomer in unison.

Then they cast each other doubtful glances.

"Wow," Sakura realized. "Seven people here, and three of them are wearing masks. That's got to be some kind of record."

"Not you, sensei, you're totally biased," Naruto said. "You, with the Mist insignia and the hair in the bun. I need your opinion to settle a dispute."

The masked ninja tilted their head, bemused. "I beg your pardon?"

The ninja's voice was young, lilting. It was hard to tell whether it was male or female.

"Oh, sorry," Naruto said in realization. "Forgot to introduce myself. Didn't mean to be rude, it just slipped my mind. I'm Naruto Uzumaki, by the way. You can call me Ramen Lord, if you prefer."

"They call me Haku," said the masked ninja. "… and I think I'll just call you Naruto."

"Whatever," Naruto said with a shrug. "But do you think you could settle a bet between my friend Sakura and me?"

"Naruto," Sakura scolded. "Don't pester the nice ninja."

"This is important," Naruto persisted.

There was a pause.

"I suppose there's no reason why I shouldn't help you," Haku said eventually.

"Excellent. So, the bet was on whether or not Kakashi would miss when he tried to kill Zabuza. Would you describe your action as an interception or Kakashi's failed attack as a miss, or one that was just never properly started in the first place?"

"Naruto, you're biasing our third party," said Sakura.

"No, it's fine," Haku said seriously. "As long as the wording was the way you described it to me, I wouldn't say that my intervention caused Kakashi of the Sharingan to miss his target. I don't think the word 'miss' covers the potential for intervention, but rather through one's own uninfluenced fault in accomplishing a task. Therefore I would say that Kakashi did not miss."

"But if you go into the etymology of the word-" Sakura began.

"It's _fifty ryo_," Sasuke pointed out. "It's not a big deal."

"It isn't about the money," Sakura explained heatedly. "It's about being right."

"Oh, and _now_ who's trying to influence the neutral third party?" Naruto demanded. "This violates the code of honor!"

"I feel as though I should be offended you bet against me," Kakashi said to Sakura. "Don't you have any faith in your sensei?"

"I was just basing my guess off the previous occurrences on this trip," Sakura said innocently. "So far, no one's managed to successfully avenge anyone. It only stood to reason that someone- be it another person or just Fate being fickle- would try to steal the final blow."

"Still," Kakashi said, folding his arms. "I don't think you kids respect me enough. I was putting my life on the line to protect you all, you know."

"We know," Naruto said cheerfully. "And we appreciate it."

"Oh, really." Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

Naruto nodded. "It's just that I'm hyperactive, Sasuke's easily bored, and Sakura likes to nitpick. When you put us all together, it's practically impossible to keep us focused on one thing."

"I noticed," Kakashi said. "I'm beginning to think I ought to do something about that."

"If you don't mind me interrupting," Haku asked tentatively. "Aren't you curious why I came in to intercept your blow and kill Zabuza at the last moment?"

"Sure," Naruto said. "I was going to ask that, but the bet was more urgent. Feel free to explain, now."

"Well, I'm a hunter-nin from the Mist ANBU. I've been tracking down this man, who's a renegade from the village. Now that I've killed him, I should be going."

Naruto frowned. "But-"

"I don't feel very well," Kakashi announced. "In fact, I think I may pass out."

"Please don't interrupt, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said primly. "It's a vulgar habit."

"Sorry about that," Naruto said to Haku. "What was I saying?"

"I believe you were talking about how you had to get to your destination as soon as possible," Haku said blandly. "I quite agree."

"Huh." Naruto said. "I don't quite recall, but I'm sure you're right."

"Let's both go our separate ways," Haku pressed. "I appreciate your help in subduing Zabuza, but there could be more mercenaries targeting your client."

"He has a point," Sasuke said. "Standing out here in the open, exhausted and injured, we're just asking for trouble."

"Definitely going to pass out," Kakashi said faintly. "I don't suppose-"

"If Gato has any sense, at all, he'd have sent Zabuza with some backup," Sakura agreed with a frown.

"I should be going. I don't want to be targeted as well," Haku said quickly. "Farewell."

"Bye!" Naruto said cheerfully. "Nice to meet you!"

Haku made a hand seal and vanished in a puff of smoke, with Zabuza hanging over his back. It almost looked like he was making an effort to return Naruto's wave, but it was a little hard to tell.

"What a nice guy," Naruto said thoughtfully. "We really ought to be friends; don't you guys agree?"

"He was very well-spoken," Sakura agreed. "A pity Kakashi-sensei never got to avenge himself, though.

Kakashi seemed about to say something-

-when he paused, wavered, and then tipped over, crashing to the ground in a dead faint.

"Sensei!" Naruto cried out in dismay.

Sakura checked his pulse. "He's fainted," she informed them seriously. "Must be chakra exhaustion from the battle and using his Sharingan- not to mention all those jutsu."

"He should have said something if he wasn't feeling well," Naruto huffed.

"Really," Sakura said, nodding. "Men, I swear, always trying to go it alone- and look what happens. Come on, Sasuke, Naruto, we'll have to carry him the rest of the way to Tazuna's house."

"I hope it isn't too far," Naruto mused. "I'm exhausted."

Sasuke nodded.

"Why are _you_ tired, Sasuke?" Sakura asked curiously. "All you really did was stand back and watch like me. I mean, sure you threw a shuriken, but it was really Naruto who did all the work."

* * *

Kakashi opened his eyes to a pounding headache and a small alarm going off in the back of his head. His fuzzy vision registered a dark silhouette leaning over him, almost touching his face.

Kakashi sat up glanced around. Naruto and Sakura had evidently jumped quickly away from him. Sasuke was in the corner giving both of his teammates an exasperated look.

"How did you DO that?" Naruto demanded. "You weren't just sleeping; you were unconscious!"

Kakashi shrugged. "My mask senses were tingling."

"Sure," Sakura muttered to herself. "Why not."

* * *

"And, of course, I'd like to introduce you all to my daughter, Tsunami, and my grandson, Inari," Tazuna said cheerfully. "Tsunami, Inari, these are the ninja. I'd tell you their names if they'd ever introduced themselves, but they didn't."

The students cast anxious glances at Kakashi, but he didn't react.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, grandson and daughter of our honorable client!" Naruto declared. "I look forward to a long and prosperous relationship."

Inari glared at him.

"Wow, Naruto, you're pretty terrible with kids, huh?" Sakura noted.

"Was it something I said?" he wondered aloud. "I was trying to be polite."

"I hate you all! Why did you come here?" Inari shoved his chair away from the table. "There's nothing you can do!"

"Well, if we're being honest, I'm not terribly fond of you, either," Sakura said. "You aren't being very polite, for one thing."

"I came because it was too much effort to convince Naruto to go back home," Kakashi explained. "Once he decides to do something, it's hopeless telling him to give up."

"I came here because my teammates have a death wish," Sakura added. "And my sensei makes terrible mentorship decisions for someone entrusted with the care and teaching of three impressionable children."

"I came because I wanted to get stronger," Sasuke said simply. "And because D-rank missions aren't worth the irrationally high wages we're paid for them."

"I came here to save the people of Wave country and protect your grandpa from the evil mercenaries under Gato!" Naruto cheered. "Because liberating oppressed lands is what a ninja does."

"Again, Naruto, you're misunderstanding the word 'ninja'. I think this time you mean 'revolutionary'," Sakura informed him.

"Definitely not," Naruto disagreed. "I'm sure about this one. You're a jounin, Kakashi. Haven't you liberated lots of countries from evil dictators as a ninja?"

"Don't be ridiculous; of course he hasn't," interjected Sakura.

"Only one or two," Kakashi admitted. "But I've saved a few princesses from coups, so it's definitely possible that those princesses could then return and reclaim their throne from the people who took it away. I think that might count."

"I told you so," Naruto said to Sakura.

She rolled her eyes.

"Do you two ever stop arguing?" Sasuke asked curiously.

They both turned to face him, identical bemused expressions.

"What do you mean?" Sakura asked curiously. "We're not arguing."

"We're just having fun," Naruto agreed. "You should try it some time, Mr. I-am-a-grumpy-Uchiha-with-no-time-to-smile."

Sakura sighed and hid her face in he hand. "We're going to have to work on that terrible nicknaming sense, Naruto."

"What did I ever do to deserve having you two on my team?" Sasuke wondered aloud.

"I think the same thing frequently," Kakashi admitted. "Only usually I think 'you three,' to be honest."

"Why?"

"Well, most of my friends got jounin teams, and all their students are relatively normal. They didn't warn me about you at all, you know. They told me, 'prepare for an ADHD attention-seeker, a nitpicking perfectionist, and an angsty preteen.' No one mentioned anything about strip poker or heroic monologues or making cloud puns and taking bets in the middle of an incredibly dangerous battle, or Naruto's unhealthy obsession with ramen-"

"No amount of ramen obsession is unhealthy!"

"-or Sakura's bizarre detachment from reality when she gets in stressful situations-"

"I _did_ warn you about my other personality though," she pointed out. "I think that was fair."

"-Or Sasuke's freakish obsession with vengeance in any and all forms-"

"Retribution is a healthy and government-approved way to maintain sanity in battlefield settings," Sasuke said smugly. "I've done my research."

"And none of you act at all like twelve-year-olds," Kakashi concluded. "I'm actually a little concerned about that. You're genin fresh from the Academy: you should be terrified of me and at each other's throats and worrying about dating instead of training and goofing off and yelling at me when I'm late."

His students regarded him for a moment.

"You mean you'd _prefer_ that we acted like that?" Naruto checked.

Sasuke shrugged. "That sounds like a waste of time. I just want to be stronger."

"I think our way is definitely more efficient," Sakura said reasonably. "I mean, being afraid of our instructor is a terrible foundation for any working/learning relationship, and fighting amongst ourselves is asking for trouble. We've already established the romantic status quo, and it doesn't seem likely to change anytime soon. Besides, why _wouldn't_ we want to train? We are ninja, and if we don't get stronger we're liable to be killed."

"It isn't that I'd _prefer _it," Kakashi argued. "But that's how you _should_ be acting at your age."

"Really?" Naruto asked, perplexed. "Why?"

"Because that's just what genin _do._"

Sasuke and Sakura shared a skeptical glance. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"I guess we could give it a try," Sakura said doubtfully. "Um. Sasuke, want to go on a date with me?"

"We're in the middle of a mission," Sasuke said. "And where would we even go? We're in an oppressed nation ruled by a despotic businessman who is hiring mercenaries to kill us."

"No, you're supposed to say, 'Get lost, Sakura,'" she corrected him. "And then Naruto is supposed to ask me out."

"Am I?" Naruto said uncomfortably. "Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered and all, and I'd love to, but I really don't know if this is the time."

She sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Sorry, Kakashi-sensei, but I think we'll need a little more practice."

"Don't sweat it," Kakashi said quickly. "It's just weird when you try to force it like that."

"Really? That's a relief. Acting normal and well-adjusted seems like a bit of a pain."

"You're all just your own special brand of immature," Kakashi agreed. "Like, hyperactive in all the wrong ways. You do realize that most genin are frightened in their first real battle?"

"Oops," Naruto said sheepishly. "Sorry about that."

"I 'died' and all you could do was argue about who got to take vengeance." Kakashi looked miffed. "Some kind of emotional reaction would have been nice."

"We do care," Sakura promised. "We just show it in unusual ways."

"We are all screwed up," Naruto noted. "I'm an orphan who's been living alone for as long as I can remember and been ostracized by the village, and Sakura developed a violent alternate personality when she was only like six or seven, and Sasuke's all traumatized and revenge-obsessed after his older brother murdered his entire family."

"_And_ made me relive it under genjutsu for a subjective three days," Sasuke agreed.

"Sorry, what?" Sakura asked.

"What's your tragic backstory, sensei?" Naruto asked curiously.

"Why do you assume I have one?"

"You're a ninja, aren't you?" Sakura leaned forward. "Spill."

"Maybe another day, kids," Kakashi said quickly. "You should get some rest. Starting tomorrow, we'll be working on training to take down Zabuza."

"What?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot to mention: he's still alive."

On the other end of the kitchen table, Tazuna, Tsunami, and Inari all stared at the group of conversing ninja with increasing dismay. They'd heard that ninja from Konoha were crazy, of course, but this was more than a little beyond the pale.

What on earth had they gotten themselves into?

* * *

"I have a challenging training regimen for you," Kakashi announced. "It will push your determination and your strength to the limit. You may not escape from this alive or with your confidence intact."

Naruto and Sakura stopped bickering and Sasuke looked up hopefully.

"You will all learn… to climb trees!" Kakashi declared grandly.

Sasuke sighed. Naruto and Sakura went back to arguing under their breaths.

"_Without_ your hands," Kakashi specified.

That got their attention.

"Hey, that sounds like fun," Naruto said thoughtfully. "I guess if you could kick hard enough to get yourself a solid foothold?"

"Or rig some ninja wire," Sasuke offered.

"Maybe it's another teamwork exercise, where we have to work together to climb without our hands?" Sakura asked skeptically. "I was hoping to learn something useful."

"Nope, nope, and thankfully, no," Kakashi answered. "No, I meant with chakra."

"Chakra, huh?" Naruto said with a smug grin. "I know what that is."

"Only because Sasuke explained it to you," Sakura pointed out. "Yesterday."

"I still can't believe he managed to graduate and pass his genin exam without even knowing what chakra is," Sasuke muttered. "Our village's graduation requirements are terrible."

"And he _still_ failed the first three times he took the test," Sakura pointed out.

"I think maybe they finally let him graduate out of pity," Sasuke noted. "Besides, he's Iruka-sensei's favorite."

"Really, though," Sakura agreed. "It's only the foundation of _literally_ every single ninja technique, including anything more than basic taijutsu."

"Okay, okay, I get your point," Naruto grumbled.

"I don't actually get the point of using chakra to climb trees, though," Sasuke added. "Want to clarify?"

"Better yet, I'll demonstrate," Kakashi said cheerfully.

As his students watched in great interest, he walked up to the tree and the proceeded to keep walking up the tree, his feet on the bark and his body horizontal, parallel with the ground. He kept going until he reached a branch, at which point he took a step and hung upside-down from the bottom of the branch.

"Excellent!" Naruto cheered. "I never liked gravity anyway."

"Me neither," Sasuke agreed.

"Is _that_ how you and Zabuza were walking on water?" Sakura asked curiously. "I was wondering about that."

"Well, yes. Walking on water would be the second stage of this training."

"Cool," Naruto said with a grin. "How do we start?"

"You just concentrate chakra to your feet and then start climbing," Kakashi explained. "It'd probably be better to do it at a run while you're just starting out."

"Wait, so does that mean chakra is just inherently sticky?" Sakura asked. "If your Sharingan takes chakra, does that mean your Sharingan is sticky when you're using it? Is it hard to blink? Is that why you keep it covered?"

Kakashi answered by throwing kunai at her.

She ducked. "It was just a question! No need to _attack_. Some teacher you are."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kakashi said innocently. "Use those kunai to mark the tree so you can see how high you get."

Naruto snickered.

"Are you just going to ignore me every time I ask a valid question you don't want to answer?" Sakura demanded. "That's really not very mature of you."

"Just get started already. You need to master this as soon as you can."

Sakura rolled her eyes but took the kunai.

"Ready- go!"

The three genin each made a rat seal as they began funneling chakra to their feet. Then they opened their eyes and ran towards the trees. Naruto made it about four feet up through sheer momentum. Sasuke made it maybe twice that before there was a large cracking sound and he too fell.

Sakura just kept running until she reached the tallest branch.

"Hey, sensei," she said. "I mastered it. Now what?"

"Wow," Kakashi said. "Look at that, Naruto and Sasuke. Clearly you are wimps for not succeeding on your first try. Looks like the Uchiha clan is pretty lame. And some Hokage you'll turn out to be, Naruto."

"Hey," Naruto protested. "That isn't very nice. You're supposed to be encouraging to your students. Sasuke's very sensitive."

"Not really," Sasuke said with a shrug. "He can say whatever he wants."

"It's okay, Sasuke," Naruto consoled him. "You don't have to pretend to be an emotionless jerk. I know you're actually a very warm and fuzzy person on the inside."

"Definitely not," Sasuke contradicted him. "I really don't know where you get that idea."

"Well, what _should_ I say to encourage you?" Kakashi asked thoughtfully.

Naruto shrugged. "I don't know. Something like, 'Keep trying, I'm sure you'll get it soon', or maybe 'I have faith in you.'"

"I would," Kakashi agreed with a shrug. "But I cannot tell a lie."

Sakura snickered.

"Fine, then," Naruto said, frowning and crossing his arms. "How do YOU do it, Sakura?"

Sasuke and Sakura met each other's eyes.

"There's a trick to it," she admitted. "But I don't think I'm going to tell you."

"What? Why not?"

"I haven't forgiven you for all those puns you made back when we were fighting Zabuza," she replied cheerfully. "We warned you that we were going to get revenge for that."

"Oh, come on," Naruto protested. "There was just so much potential. I had to."

"Well, maybe next time you'll think better of it," Sakura said sternly.

"Are you going to tell _me_ the trick to it?" Sasuke asked. "Given I didn't make any poor humor choices in the last few days?"

"I suppose so." Sakura hopped down from her branch and went over to whisper in his ear.

Naruto pouted. "Kakashi-sensei, my teammates are withholding information from me! This is definitely not fair, or team spirit-y. Can you please intervene?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Nope."

"But-"

"But I can even the playing field," Kakashi admitted. "Say, want to know a cool trick you can do with Shadow Clones?"

"Besides the obvious?" Naruto asked. "Definitely."

"Well, I don't suppose you've noticed," the jounin said, leaning against a tree, "But when a Shadow Clone disperses, you gain the memories of its experience while it was 'alive'. Then you can assimilate those memories and learn from the clone's experiences."

Naruto stared. "Sorry, what?"

Kakashi sighed. "Basically, if you make one shadow clone, you learn twice as much and expend twice the chakra. If you make two shadow clones, you learn three times as much and expend three times the chakra. Three clones are four times as much, and so on from there."

"So if I made like a hundred clones..." Naruto began.

"You would die of chakra exhaustion within five minutes, yes," Kakashi interrupted him. "But making maybe five clones would be doable at your level, for this particular training."

Naruto grinned ear-to-ear. "You're the best, Kakashi-sensei. Thanks!"

Sakura groaned. "Are you actually rewarding him for making bad puns during your fight?"

"I appreciate literary humor," Kakashi answered with a shrug. "And those puns were pretty good."

"There is no such thing as a good pun," Sasuke corrected him darkly. "Never."

Naruto ignored them all and made a cross seal in front of his chest. There was a flare of chakra, and then five clones appeared around Naruto in various enthusiastic poses.

"Hey," Sakura complained. "So since I'm done with this training, what should I do now?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I guess you could follow Tazuna around and protect him from potential enemy ninja attacks."

She crossed her arms. "Isn't there anything else I can do? I thought you said there was a stage two for this training. Can't I work on that? Or shouldn't I be at least trying to increase my relatively small chakra reserves for future battles?"

Kakashi hesitated. "Are you SURE you don't want to follow Tazuna around?"

"Quite sure," Sakura confirmed.

"But-"

"Team bonding!" Naruto's clone cheered from halfway up a tree. "Excellent, Sakura! You're getting into the proper spirit of things."

"I guess," she said. "Mostly it's because I feel like Kakashi's being too lazy to actually train us and I kind of resent being brushed aside when I ask for more training."

"You make a fair point," Kakashi said, sounding a little too cheerful. "So, yeah, stage two is walking on water, but we don't have a pond around here and I don't have the chakra to make one, so we're going to improvise."

"Improvise how?" Sakura asked.

"Well, there are plenty of leaves around here," Kakashi began.

"Leaf Concentration training is Academy stuff," Sakura informed him. "I mastered that when I was seven."

"How many leaves can you hold indefinitely?" Kakashi asked curiously.

"Four," she admitted.

"By the end of today, I want you doing twenty," Kakashi informed her. "And instead of collecting from the ground, you're going to walk up the tree with chakra and pick a leaf from the upper branches. Then you're going to hold it to your forehead with chakra as you walk back down. Keep going up and getting more leaves until you hit twenty. If you drop one, start over."

"That's ridiculous," she protested. "I'm beginning to think this is your passive-aggressive response to my criticism of your teaching skills."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kakashi said innocently. "But you'd better get started."

Sakura grumbled, but began walking up the tree. Nearby, six Narutos were throwing themselves at different trees with enthusiasm and myriad battle cries, including, "For Ramen!" and "Believe it!" and "Screw you, gravity!"

Sasuke folded his arms. "Don't I get special training?"

"Aw, are you feeling neglected?" Kakashi asked sympathetically. "Get to the top of the tree, then we'll talk."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Fine."

"It's okay, Sasuke," one of the Naruto clones told him consolingly. "I think you're special."

Sasuke fingered the tree-cutting kunai musingly. A moment later there was a puff of smoke and one fewer Naruto clone in the clearing.

"What was that for?" the original Naruto protested.

"Sakura got her revenge," Sasuke said casually, turning back to the tree. "That was mine."

* * *

Hours later, Naruto was collapsed on the ground, his clones long since dispersed. Sasuke's tree was cut up to the point where it looked like it had been attacked by a horde of angry woodpeckers, and he was slumped on a branch in exhaustion, having gained maybe twenty feet in height from his first try.

Sakura's legs trembled as she walked down the tree trunk, eighteen leaves stuck to her forehead and arms. As she set foot on the ground, one of the leaves shivered in a gust of wind and fell away.

The rest of the leaves soon followed suit as Sakura slumped to the ground beside Naruto.

"How are things going on your end?" she asked wearily.

"Clones went poof… learned a lot… too tired to move," Naruto mumbled. "Maybe naptime now."

"I second that motion," Sakura agreed. "Sasuke?"

"Mnph."

"Unanimous vote, motion passes."

"Mmm," Naruto agreed.

"'Night."

* * *

**A/N:** Sakura really does get a bum rap for being pointless in this arc. In the fight with the puddle, she does much more than Naruto does (even if she doesn't get the epic speech). And in the fight against Zabuza, she and Sasuke are BOTH sitting around watching Naruto fight. The only difference is that Sasuke threw the telepathy!shuriken (+5 to Sasuke) and tried to kill himself (-10 to Sasuke), thereby putting Sasuke at a neat -5 in canon to Sakura's 0. If you add on his contributions against the puddle, they're really both at zero, now, aren't they? In practical terms, Sakura isn't so terrible. It's only her character development that's miserably lacking.

Also: I forgot to add this earlier, but 10 ryo = 100 yen, so 10 ryo = a little less than $1. At the time of this fic, this is the _exact_ exchange rate: 10 ryo = 0.529£ or 0.815$ or 0.7195€). So Naruto and Sakura's fifty-ryo bet was for about four US dollars. But of course, it isn't about the money; it's about being _right_.

This story will be updated as soon as the temporal distortion has been repaired. Objectively, that might take a while, but subjectively, who knows? Anyway, we've managed to stop the intergalactic time-warping aliens from messing up the posting schedule so far, and with any luck, things will turn out all right.

Thanks so much for all the favs and follows. If you like, maybe leave a review on your way out?


	7. On Naps and Demons

**Chapter VII: On Naps and Demons**

* * *

The three genin only got a few hours of sleep. The next morning they were poked awake merrily by Kakashi, who was smiling under his mask.

"It's good to see you're working so hard," he said cheerfully.

Sasuke wrinkled his nose. "Good to see you so happy that your students trained until they passed out," he muttered. "What have you been up to?"

"Following Tazuna around the village," Kakashi explained. "Since no one else would take on that challenging task, I had to do it myself. Think it was worth it?"

Sakura glared at him. "Go away."

"So, did you get to twenty leaves?" Kakashi asked expectantly.

She looked away. "No."

"Naruto? Sasuke? Did you get to the top of the tree?"

Sasuke shot him a glare. Naruto yawned and sat up.

"Not yet," Naruto said with a confident look towards the tree. "But I shall face my enemy again today, and I have faith that this time, I shall triumph against my foe!"

"Why are you so happy?" Sakura grumbled. "Sasuke, why is he so happy?"

Sasuke shrugged irritably. "Heck if I know."

"I'll never give up! I'll never run away! I'll never go back on my word!" Naruto gave Kakashi a thumbs-up. "That's my ninja way!"

"Yes, that's very nice," Kakashi said agreeably. "Well, it's just past dawn, so I think you should all get up and try again, since you failed so miserably the first time."

Sakura covered her ears. "Go away," she mumbled. "Five more minutes?"

"Oh? But letting you all sleep the day away would be a lazy and neglectful thing for me to do as a teacher," Kakashi pointed out. "It's only my duty as your jounin instructor to wake you at the crack of dawn for more training."

Sasuke glared at Sakura. "It _is_ your fault for insulting him earlier."

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "You're a wonderful teacher. Please let me sleep."

"Not a chance," Kakashi said brightly. "I've got to prepare you three for battle. I think we'll up the ante to thirty leaves today. Naruto, Sasuke, when you finish climbing the tree, you'll start on Sakura's training regimen."

"But food," Sakura protested. "And sleep."

Kakashi held up a basket. "I brought your food with me. And, well, you're ninja. Sleeping on the ground won't hurt you."

She looked up in horror. "You _can't_ mean…"

"Oh, yes," Kakashi agreed. "You aren't leaving this forest until you finish every one of your chakra exercises."

"How are we _ever_ going to do that?" Sasuke demanded. "You keep setting the bar higher."

"No idea," Kakashi said with a shrug. "Good luck. I'll check back in with you tonight to see if you've finished."

He set down the basket and waved farewell, then made a hand sign and vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving the three genin alone in the forest clearing.

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke met one another's horrified looks.

"Speaking of revenge," Sasuke said bitterly. "Itachi just moved down one slot on my priority list."

"More or less what I was thinking," Sakura agreed.

"Let's do this!" Naruto cheered.

"Please stop being so happy," Sakura requested. "It's grating on my nerves."

"I make no promises."

* * *

Naruto, it turned out, had improved a great deal from the day before. All the experience he'd gotten from his clones paid off, and he and his five new clones were reaching the twenty-foot mark with relative ease. After that, things had gotten a little more difficult to sustain.

Sakura watched him as she scarfed down her share of the food Kakashi had brought.

"Hungry?" Sasuke observed with a raised eyebrow.

Not long ago, she would have blushed at the thought of gorging herself in front of her crush. But that was before she'd spent eighteen hours climbing up and down a tree draining chakra. She was positively ravenous, and no sense of shame or propriety was going to keep her away from her calories.

"Aren't you?" she asked. "You've been expending chakra nonstop for hours. But if you don't want your share, I'd be happy to help."

"I do," Sasuke said quickly. "I'll eat it later."

Sakura shrugged and popped the last riceball in her mouth. Then she stood up, brushing off her hands on her sweaty, grass-stained dress. She turned to the tree with a resolute expression.

"I suppose you're regretting now that you antagonized Kakashi," Sasuke guessed, helping himself to his lunch. "After all this training."

She turned in surprise. "Not really. I'm kind of irritated because I know he's doing it just to prove he can, but I _did_ ask for more training. In the end, I got what I wanted."

"You really do care about getting stronger, don't you?" Sasuke eyed her speculatively.

"Of course I do."

"I assumed it was just a phase," he admitted, shrugging. "Like you were excited about being a genin, or you wanted to impress me, or something. You weren't ever very serious about training in the Academy."

Sakura frowned. "Just how childish do you think I am?"

"Well, obviously I've revised my opinion of you," Sasuke said musingly. "But when we were in the Academy I disliked you more than the rest of the girls."

"I'm not going to ask why," Sakura said reasonably. "I've always had attitude problems. But more than the other girls? A lot of them were really awful people; they bullied me and Hinata for years before Ino stepped in."

"Because you're a genius," Sasuke said plainly. "But you never bothered to show it, or put effort into anything besides your studies."

"Not all of us have clans to avenge," she reminded him. "I was enjoying my childhood. But now I'm a ninja, and it's time to grow up."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right- wait a minute, you just mentioned my clan! You _do_ remember the massacre!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said innocently.

He cast her a dark look.

"Your suspicion wounds me," she told him. "Anyway, what were we talking about?"

"Your complete 180 in priorities following the genin exam?" Sasuke said at last. "Don't try and blame it on your alternate personality, that was just off-putting."

"I think it had something to do with Naruto," she admitted. "He came into class reading a book just before the genin exam. I remember thinking, wow, even Naruto knows when it's time to grow up. I need to think about the kind of adult I'm going to be in a few years."

"He didn't really grow up, though, did he?" Sasuke mused. "If anything, he got twice as hyperactive."

"That's true," Sakura agreed. "But if that's all, I have to get to thirty leaves before Kakashi-sensei ups my quota."

"Go ahead."

Sakura turned to the tree again, making a face. But if she could get to eighteen from four yesterday, she could get to thirty from eighteen today. Theoretically. If she weren't already mentally and physically exhausted from extensive chakra training they day before, and if Leaf Concentration didn't get cumulatively more difficult as you increased the count. Which she was, and it did.

_One step at a time,_ she decided, and started climbing.

* * *

The next day, Kakashi waved at them amiably and pointedly propped up his crutches as he watched his students struggle up the trees. By then, they were all too exhausted to do much except glare helplessly at their teacher as he brought their food- though Sakura still threw a few kunai at him, just to get her feelings across.

"Hey, sensei?" Naruto asked after a while.

"Yes?" Kakashi answered him, dodging Sakura's kunai casually.

"How is climbing trees at all going to help us in actual battles?"

"I'm glad you asked," their teacher replied brightly. "Of course, one would think you would have asked when I first assigned the exercise instead of two days after the fact, but we can't all be perfect."

"So..?" Naruto prompted. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I just love throwing myself at trees and falling from heights repeatedly, but having an actual purpose would be nice to spice things up."

"Hm. Well, you're going to have to let me think about that one," Kakashi said after a while. "I'm sure there is some kind of application- besides the obvious benefit of being able to ignore the axis of gravity- but I initially suggested it just to give you something to occupy yourselves with."

"So you admit you're a terrible teacher," Sakura grumbled, pressing an eighth leaf to her shoulder.

"I prefer to say that my students are self-starters," Kakashi decided. "It sounds much better on training reports."

"What DO you write on your training reports?" Naruto wanted to know.

"Mostly the truth." Kakashi shrugged.

His students regarded him skeptically.

"Konoha doesn't have particularly stringent criteria for its psych evals," Kakashi said indifferently. "I mean, Orochimaru himself managed to pass his evaluations for twenty years while he was torturing and experimenting on civilians to find a way to become immortal."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not. It took the Hokage himself walking in on one of the Orochimaru's human experiments for the village to realize they had a problem."

"At least they arrested him then," Naruto said with a shrug. "Maybe they just didn't know."

"Well, actually, it was more like they asked him politely to stop abducting and torturing people," Kakashi corrected. "But that was probably more favoritism than anything, since he was the Third's student."

"Our village is pretty screwed up," Sasuke mused.

"Not so much more than other places," Kakashi pointed out. "Compared to the Hidden Mist, we're positively civilized."

"Oh. How reassuring," Sakura said doubtfully.

"But what about my question?" Naruto pestered. "About tree climbing?"

Kakashi frowned. "Oh, right. Well, it improves your chakra control, I suppose, so in addition to being able to walk up vertical surfaces, you'll probably have some improvements in your ninjutsu."

Naruto considered. "Huh. Dunno about that, but walking up walls is worth it, at least."

"That's the spirit," Kakashi said approvingly. "Best of luck. I'll be back tomorrow night to see you climb to the top of the tree."

Sakura wisely said nothing.

* * *

The morning was a beautiful time of day, Haku thought to himself.

He was walking through the forest in search of medicinal herbs to treat Lord Zabuza. After that jounin from Konoha had nearly killed him, Zabuza was scarcely able to move. Haku's senbon had been an emergency measure- one with a lot of health consequences in the long run, even if they had saved his life at the time.

Lost in thought, he nearly tripped over a boy in an orange jumpsuit.

Then he looked again and stared.

No _way_ were the Leaf ninja so stupid that they'd just fall asleep in the woods in a country where half the population was mercenaries who would kill them, starving citizens who would rob them _and_ kill them, and two rogue ninja who would actively enjoy killing them for being such a pain in the neck.

Except apparently this one _was _that stupid.

Then this was an opportunity.

Haku reached out- and the genin stirred, stretched enormously, blinked drowsily, and pushed himself up.

"Oh. Morning," he said to Haku, yawning. "Can I help you? I'm Naruto, by the way."

"You shouldn't sleep out here in the cold," Haku said, pretending he hadn't been considering whether to strangle the Leaf genin in his sleep. "You'll get sick."

"Oh, I don't ever get sick," Naruto told him casually. "Sakura says it's because idiots can't catch cold, but the old man says it's because I have a demon fox sealed in my stomach but maybe also because I'm an Uzumaki."

Haku stared.

"Aw, crap," Naruto said. "I keep forgetting to keep my mouth shut about being a jinchuriki. Listen, I don't suppose you could forget I said that?"

"No problem," Haku agreed numbly.

While _internally screaming_ because there was no way Master Zabuza knew they'd been hired to take down the jounin instructor of the host of the Nine-Tailed Fox.

Haku could handle strange, hyperactive genin that bet on the results of a battle that could have killed them all. He could handle kids who made terrible puns. He could handle an Uchiha with an activated bloodline and he could probably even handle the world-renowned Kakashi of the Sharingan.

Trying to kill a jinchuriki was _way_ above their pay grade.

"Say, what's your name, miss?" Naruto asked cheerfully.

Haku blanched, heart pounding. _Of all the things to forget to think of…_

A moment passed.

"Oh, did you forget it or something?" Naruto suggested sympathetically. "Don't worry, that happens to me all the time."

"Does it really?" Haku asked, curious despite himself.

"Surprisingly often," Naruto confided. "So did you forget your name or what?"

"No," Haku said quickly. "Um. My name is, um… Haku… ko."

_Of all the stupid names- I've totally given myself away-_ Haku readied himself for an attack, slipping one hand inside his robe to where his senbon needles were hidden- though if the kid could at all control his tailed beast, fleeing seemed more appropriate.

"That's a cool name," Naruto said. "Y'know, I have a friend named Haku."

"… do you?" Haku asked cautiously.

"Yeah. He was a pretty cool hunter-ninja from Mist. Well, I say 'friend'- we figure he probably betrayed our trust and is working for Zabuza- but he DID deliberate a bet for my teammate and me, so he can't have been half bad."

_Think, think. Calm down. If he could control the fox he would have used it in the last battle when his jounin-sensei was drowning. He's only a kid, and he isn't very bright._

"Ah." Haku hesitated not sure what to say. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"It does kind of suck," Naruto said musingly. "I mean, friendship is pretty important to me so it's a shame this kid had to betray our bond- but on the other hand, I feel like just because someone is trying to kill you, it doesn't mean that they don't want to be your friend."

"It doesn't?" Haku echoed, concerned.

"No- I mean, my teammates try to kill me every few days, but I'm pretty sure they're doing it out of love." Naruto explained. "Like Sasuke stabbing my clone when it could very well have been the original me, or Sakura punching me into the ground when she gets impatient, or Kakashi throwing me into the river when it was entirely possible that I didn't know how to swim, or Mizuki-sensei cornering me in that dark alley with a kunai or all those villagers who told me to go jump in a volcano. But in the end we all love each other."

"I don't want to alarm you," Haku said slowly. "But some of that sounds less than friendly."

Naruto considered. "I guess that's possible. But there's a difference between friends trying to kill each other, and strangers trying to kill each other."

"I've always felt that a true bond of affection is formed when one of the pair pledges to serve the other without personal dignity or mutually voiced respect," Haku confessed.

"Hm- well, that isn't too far off, I suppose." Naruto wrinkled his nose. "But it's more like you know that they care about you even _while_ they're trying to kill you, or better yet trying to kill you because they care."

"Not using you as a tool to accomplish their own ends?"

"Not in my experience. Why, did that happen to you?"

"Oh, um. No, not at all," Haku said hurriedly. "So what you're saying is that you would give your life to protect the people who are important to you?"

"Well, yes. But not, like, let them kill me. That would be a little excessive. Besides, if they were seriously trying to kill me, that would be evidence that they are in a dangerous state of mind and need to be persuaded to calm down and get therapy."

"Close enough," Haku agreed. "Well, I'm glad we had this chat."

"It was great to meet you too, miss."

"Oh, no," Haku corrected. "I'm a boy."

Naruto blinked. "Huh, really? What a coincidence; me too."

"Oh." Haku frowned. He didn't normally get that response. "Anyway, it was nice to meet you, Naruto."

"Oh, are you going?" Naruto asked, sitting up hurriedly. "No, that's no good."

"What?"

"Come on, I'll introduce you to my teammates. They're nice people- well, most of the time- unless you make puns, then they get a little tichy. But Sasuke barely ever bites anymore and Sakura's amazing. There's food- we can have breakfast."

"Um," Haku said quickly. "No, that's fine, really, I wouldn't want to intrude."

"It's no trouble," Naruto assured him. "Come on, they're just a little ways away."

"Why were you sleeping away from them in the first place?" Haku queried. "This country isn't very safe."

"Apparently I kick in my sleep," Naruto said regretfully. "And wiggle. And roll on people. Sakura didn't want me accidentally snuggling up to her, and _I _didn't want to accidentally snuggle up to Sasuke and get a kunai between the eyes."

"Ah."

"Don't worry though. I can protect myself. Kakashi-sensei's been training us like _crazy_."

"Oh, really?" Haku said, adopting a wide-eyed expression. "What sort of things has he been teaching you?"

Naruto grinned proudly. "I can climb a tree!"

Haku blinked. "Oh. Um. How very impressive!"

"I know," Naruto agreed. "Well, to be honest, I can _mostly_ climb a tree. Like, up to thirty feet- but that's not too bad, considering how things have been going."

"That's… a fearsome skill," Haku said slowly.

"So, yeah- you should really come by and say hi to the team- I think you're really cool, and I bet they will too- Sasuke might be a bit shy- he tends to clam up around pretty people- honestly I blame that on the fact that his older brother, who massacred his entire clan when he was seven, was by most accounts quite pretty."

"I wouldn't want to interrupt your training," Haku said diffidently. "I'm sure you're all quite busy."

"It's no problem," Naruto assured him. "But if you're busy, that's cool too. See you around, Hakuko!"

"Ah. Yes. Of course. Farewell, Naruto."

Haku took his empty basket and fled. There were more important things to concern himself with just now than treating Master Zabuza's symptoms- like getting out of the country as soon as they could, before someone screwed up and killed one of the genin and the Nine-Tails went absolutely berserk.

* * *

"What a nice guy," Naruto mused to himself. "I hope we can stay friends."

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay in posting. I removed a few other fics from hiatus, and it's been a bit of a struggle to keep up. I hope to continue posting more regularly. Check my profile for info on updates and story progress!

Thanks for the favs and follows! If you like, leave a review on your way out.


	8. On Gifts and Revolution

**A/N: **So it's been like a year... or more. And what I have to show for it isn't very impressive, but at least there's something? Anyway, thanks to _rosebudmelissa_ whose very thoughtful review convinced me to take another crack at this series and see if I could get the momentum rolling again.

* * *

**Chapter VIII: On Gifts and Revolution**

* * *

"So, Master Zabuza," Haku began. "Just hypothetically... what would you say if I told you that the young, questionably sane, and highly impulsive host of the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox is in the Land of Waves?"

Zabuza gave him a _look_.

"... and also you just tried to murder his sensei," Haku added.

The silence stretched on.

"You're just looking for an excuse to leave the country, aren't you?" Zabuza grumbled after a moment. "I bloody well knew it. Kid, just because your client is a bit of an ass, it doesn't mean you can just skip out whenever you want."

"No!" Haku protested. "Well, maybe. But I don't think Mr. Gato is a very nice man."

"Of _course he's not. _He's a crime lord."

"With _very_ poor manners," the boy commented primly. "And frankly very little courtesy for his employees. I don't think he even remembers my name."

"As long as the money's good," Zabuza said with a shrug.

"That crime lord back in Rice Country was much nicer," Haku sighed. "Couldn't we go back there?"

"That was the same person who had you torture and disembowel his niece for plotting to overthrow him."

"But _he_ remembered my birthday. I even got a little card saying 'Thanks for all your hard work'. And a _smiley face. _A _smiley, _Master Zabuza. " Haku shrugged helplessly. "You can't say no to that, even if it does come from a corrupt, vindictive, paranoid old tyrant."

"Do you even _know_ your birthday?" The rogue Mist ninja looked at him skeptically. "Weren't you orphaned as basically an infant?"

"I was four," Haku admitted. "But no, I don't actually know. Neither did he, of course. I think he was really just starting to get a bit delusional towards the end. Still, it was a very sweet gesture."

Zabuza stared at the boy for a very long time, then pinched the bridge of his nose as though to stave off a headache. "So you want to ditch the best-paying job we've had in months because the local crime lord getting rich off the misery of the common man is, big surprise, _kind of an asshole._"

Haku hesitated.

"And I, um, may have made friends with one of the genin we're trying to kill?"

"You're joking."

Haku didn't say anything.

Zabuza looked him up and down. "You're joking, you have to be. You did _not_ just take advantage of my prolonged coma to go frolic with the Leaf genin and make _friends._ How do you even _do _that?"

"We bonded over stories of people trying to kill us," Haku said sheepishly. "Also he invited me to lunch."

"You—" Zabuza massaged his temple. "No. The pet rabbit was one thing- at least it was _practical._ But this is just too much. No lunch dates with enemy genin. Ever."

The boy pouted. "Yes, Master Zabuza."

A moment passed.

"I wasn't lying about the jinchuriki part, though," Haku said after a moment. "He told me himself- he's the host of the Nine-Tailed Fox. He's the right age, an Uzumaki—it's got to be true."

Zabuza eyed him. "You're serious."

"Entirely."

"And you _made friends_ with it."

"Well..."

"Oh, god dammit," Zabuza grunted. "All right, you win. We're leaving."

Haku smiled happily.

* * *

The samurai looked Haku up and down. "You're leaving."

"You're so very perceptive," Haku agreed solemnly. "Master Zabuza and I are, in fact, leaving. While our tenure as coworkers was brief, I will always carry memories of your incompetence and ineptitude as I journey on. Best of luck with your employer."

"You have a contract," the mercenary repeated uneasily. "I can't let you... leave..."

"Sorry, what was that?"

"I, um. Gato won't let you just _leave_," he repeated, without much conviction. His hand hovered over the hilt of his sword, but he didn't seem too eager to draw it. "I mean. You signed up for a job, and..."

Haku smiled and inspected his reflection in a _very_ sharp blade. "And?"

The mercenary gulped. "...and I'm sure Mr. Gato will understand."

"That would be exceedingly considerate of him," Haku said sweetly. "Actually, I'd like to give him my regards before I go."

"W-What?"

"It's been such a wonderful experience, you see," he explained. "I'd like to give Mr. Gato a little something to _remember me by._"

Paling, the mercenary took an uncertain step back. "I should—"

"You should go for a lunch break," Haku suggested amiably.

"It's barely morning," the guard said nervously.

"A brunch break, then. Trust me, now would be an _excellent_ time for brunch." Haku patted the man on the shoulder; the guard shuddered. "Go for a walk and get some fresh air. No need to hurry back, either—I'm sure Mr. Gato won't be in urgent need of your assistance for a _very_ long time."

"You're going to—"

"Say a poignant goodbye to Mr. Gato, yes," the boy agreed. "Times change, people come and go. I feel it's my time to move on." He paused. "You might want to consider finding an alternate mode of employment as well, actually. I have a strong feeling that GatoCorp's holdings in Wave aren't as secure as they once were."

The mercenary glanced around, wide-eyed.

"Go on, now," Haku prompted.

Without a look back, the man turned and fled from Gato's hideout. If he had anything in the way of sense, he'd take the warning seriously and be on the first pirated rowboat off the island before word got around about the _changes_ Haku intended to enact.

Revolution was never very tidy.

Haku knocked on the door to Gato's office, pulling a handful of needles out of his sleeves. "Excuse me, Mr. Gato, sir? Could I have a word?"

There was an irate growl from within, and a snarled _"Get rid of him_."

That, presumably, was directed at the gentleman who had formerly been guarding the door. Haku tsked. There really was no hope of propriety from Gato—no sophistication or sense of honor. Only childish greed and petulance. No one would mourn his death. The occasion might even warrant a round of applause.

"I'll just let myself in, shall I?" Haku offered after a generous pause. "I promise this won't take very long at all."

Haku was as good as his word.

It didn't take at all long.

When he emerged from Gato's office, carrying a cloth-wrapped bundle under his arm and closing the door neatly behind him, he smiled in satisfaction. Really, the businessman had redeemed himself in the end. After Gato's being so rude to Master Zabuza _and_ trying to kill Haku's new Leaf ninja jinchuriki friend, the glee of finally being done with him was worth at least two birthday cards. Maybe even _three._

Haku hummed a cheerful song as he left.

* * *

In a forest to the northwest of that same island, two genin were rudely awakened by the sound of their third teammate crashing through the bushes and into their makeshift camp with his habitual lack of grace.

"Naruto, I have a kunai in my hand that will shortly be lodged in your eye socket if you don't learn to be _quiet _in the morning," growled Sasuke. "If I have to get up, _you will regret it._"

Nearby, Sakura groaned and tried to cover her ears.

"Jeez, you really aren't much for mornings, are you?" Naruto tossed his backpack under the tree. "But listen- you'll never guess what happened!"

Sakura blinked groggily at him. "What? Did you get to the top of the tree or something?"

"Oh. Um, no, not quite."

"Did you find Gato lying dead of a heart attack?" Sasuke asked, rather more crossly. "Or did you suddenly acquire a fashion sense and realize that you need a new jacket? Or maybe you discovered Zabuza's henchman collecting herbs in the woods?"

"No, no," said Naruto, waving a dismissive hand. "I invited a pretty transvestite over for lunch!"

For a moment they regarded him blankly.

Sakura shrugged and rolled over. "So long as it's your lunch and not mine."

"Don't be so uncharitable," her blond teammate chided. "He's a really nice guy. I mean, I think he's probably got a pressing need for therapy given some of the things we talked about, but then again so do most of my friends, so it's really a moot point."

"Great. Wonderful. New friends," Sasuke said sourly. "Now be _quiet_ or so help me I'll find a way to strangle you both without getting up."

Naruto pouted and subsided.

The point was, however, moot: just a few minutes later there was the sound of chakra release, a puff of smoke that set everyone to coughing and sneezing with gusto, and a swirl of leaves and dust that made Sakura yelp to cover her already much –abused hair. The appearance of Kakashi alongside all these inconveniences was pretty unsurprising.

"Sensei," she growled, as the dust cleared. "Good morning to you, too."

"Hello," said Kakashi, ignoring her glower. "Hope you slept well."

Sakura pulled a leaf out of her hair. "Just _peachy, _thanks."

"Why the _hell_," Sasuke demanded raspily, once he and Naruto had caught their breath from coughing, "does a goddamn shunshin always have to be accompanied with smoke? What is the _benefit?_"

"Hm." Kakashi rubbed his chin. "Well, in battle it's always good to disguise your escape, so the enemy can't tell which way you headed. It gives you the tactical advantage."

"So where's the tactical advantage in smoke-bombing your _allies?_"

"It teaches the importance of vigilance," the jonin said piously. "Shame on you for being caught off guard. What if I had been Zabuza or one of Gato's mercenaries?"

"Well, if it was Zabuza we'd be dead already," Sakura said reasonably. "As for his other two-bit mercenaries, I'm pretty sure even _Naruto _could take them down. Maybe they can intimidate the villagers around here, but in a fight between a ninja and a random thug there's really no contest, is there?"

"That was my next question," Sasuke noted. "Wasn't the point that you have chakra exhaustion, and you had to recover before Zabuza did? Why are you using shunshin anyway? You were on _crutches_ a few days ago."

"Gold star for you," Kakashi said approvingly. "Well, as it happens, Gato's dead."

Sasuke blinked. "Damn."

"Sure he's not faking?" Naruto grumbled suspiciously. "That happens an awful lot around here."

"Well, he's been decapitated and his head is stuck on a pike in front of the city pier," Kakashi said, shrugging absently. "I've yet to see someone survive that."

"_You_ survived decapitation on the way here," Sakura pointed out. "_Twice._"

"That's true," their teacher admitted modestly. "But I've had rather more practice than Gato has, and when seagulls are pecking out the eyes from your decapitated head, I think it safe to say you're dead in all the ways that matter."

"I suppose that's fair," she conceded.

"More to the point, how'd he _get there_?" Sasuke asked. "I thought we were the only anti-Gato trained fighters on the island. Unless Tazuna was lying about _that_, too—which honestly we probably should consider as a serious possibility, given his track record."

"Ah!" Kakashi raised his finger and rummaged in his pocket. "There was a note."

He produced a bloodstained piece of paper, and, smoothing it open, offered it to Naruto with a nod. The boy took it with a perplexed frown.

"Why are you giving this to _me?" _he asked dubiously. "Also, is that _brain fluid_?"

"I think it might be pus," Kakashi confessed. "But I'm not altogether sure. Anyway, I'm giving it to you because, apparently, you're the intended recipient. Read it."

Naruto, holding the scrap of paper at arms length, squinted at the neat cursive writing.

"Dear Naruto and Friends," he began, reading aloud. "I feel we got off on the wrong foot earlier this week. I apologize for trying to kill you and also for lying—though of course you understand I was only trying to protect Master Zabuza. However, since Master Zabuza has decided to break our ties with Gato, we are no longer obligated to be at odds. In the interest of supporting our new friendship, I thought I'd help you with your mission. (See attached head.) Unfortunately, we will have to flee the country now, and I won't be able to join you for that lunch date. Perhaps we can reschedule for another time? Yours, with affection, Haku(ko)."

The genin exchanged glances.

"What the hell," Sasuke said succinctly.

"Naruto," Sakura said evenly. "Did you befriend Zabuza's minion in the last few days and _forget to mention it _to us?"

"No," Sasuke corrected. "I think he befriended Zabuza's minion _without realizing it._ And I'm not entirely sure which is more unforgivably stupid."

"Oh." Naruto said, biting his lip. "Well. I might've, yes."

"Right." said Sakura with a tranquil smile. "Perfectly understandable, of course."

"Happens to the best of us," Kakashi intoned.

Wincing, Naruto glanced to Sasuke for support.

"If I ever go insane and abandon the village to become a terrorist revolutionary, I hope you know that it will be _entirely your fault_," the Uchiha informed him. "I'm also pretty sure you're the reason Kakashi has gray hair."

"My hair is hereditary," the jonin objected, wounded. "Also it's _white._ Or maybe silver."

"When you abandon the village, can I come too?" Sakura asked, sounding at least half-genuine. "It would be a relaxing change of pace from being a genin, going by our track record so far."

"There's room for all," Sasuke promised her. "As long as you don't mind taking a few detours to hunt down my psychotic traitorous older brother."

"Sounds like fun," she assured him.

"Oooh, can I come?" Naruto asked eagerly. "Because, I mean, _road trip._"

"Putting aside hypothetical revenge-driven terrorist road trips," Kakashi said, changing the topic with his usual grace and subtlety. "We have a bit of a dilemma, now that Gato's dead."

"_What_ dilemma?" Sakura wanted to know. "I mean, we're here to protect Tazuna from Gato. Gato's dead, courtesy of Naruto's befriending Zabuza's apparently-also-a-transvestite-minion, evidenced by the fairly convincing display on the docks. We can pack up and head home within half an hour, no sweat."

"No ramen like home," Naruto agreed dreamily.

"Well, it is slightly disappointing that we came all this way and never got to fight anyone," Sasuke noted. "But on the other hand, we could always get another mission and try our luck again."

"Well, yes," Kakashi hummed. "_Or_ you could stay here and keep climbing trees until the bridge is finished."

His students gave him simultaneous _looks_.

"It's a _possibility_, is all I'm saying," he defended. "We could hang around. Maybe Naruto could befriend Tazuna's grandkid, and the villagers will name the bridge after us in gratitude for our services in helping protect them."

Sakura threw her kunai at his face.

* * *

Team Seven spent the rest of the morning dealing with the scattered remnants of Zabuza's mercenaries, most of whom they tied up and handed over to the villagers of Wave to deal with in a fitting manner. Afterwards, they packed up and bid a cheerful farewell to the bewildered bridge-builder and his equally bemused daughter.

Inari, scowling, informed them all that they were useless idiots, and he was glad they were leaving.

Naruto stuck out his tongue at Inari.

Inari shoved Naruto.

Naruto stepped on Inari's foot.

At last, Sakura and Sasuke together dragged their teammate away from the client's grandson, before the two of them could devolve further into a shouting match of _"You're the stupidest!" _and _"You're the stupider times infinity_!"

Inari kicked Naruto in the shin and shouted, "_Never come back, you jerk!"_

"What did you _say_ to the kid?" Sakura demanded in exasperation. "I mean, I know he wasn't happy to see us, but why does he suddenly hate you in particular so much?"

"No, no," Naruto corrected. "We're friends now."

Sasuke glanced back at Inari—who was now leaning out of his window making an obscene gesture at the team as they departed—and gave Naruto a doubtful look. "You're... _friends._"

"Yeah," the blond said, evidently unbothered. "Well, we were a little rushed so there wasn't time to do a proper epic battle accompanied by a heroic monologue, but Inari seemed disappointed so I told him a regular small fight would probably do the trick."

"Just drop it," Sakura advised the perplexed Uchiha. "If you try to follow his logic, you'll get all twisted around."

"Every time, I think he can't get any stranger," Sasuke admitted. "But he somehow manages."

"It's a gift," Naruto said modestly.

"Come, children," Kakashi beckoned. "Let's pick up the pace. There might be time for more tree climbing when you get back to the Hidden Leaf."

* * *

Nine days after Team Seven departed the Land of Waves, Tazuna and his crew of workers finally completed the bridge to the mainland. In the midst of the celebration, a name was chosen for the bridge—one that would mark the day they were liberated from their misfortune, the day that what was good and just triumphed over what was cruel and tyrannical. It was a name that came to symbolize righteousness and harmony in the islands for many years to come.

The name of the mysterious hero who had saved them all, and asked for nothing in return:

_The Great Hakuko Bridge._

* * *

**A/N: **So it's not much but hopefully better than continued accumulation of nothing? To answer an FAQ: Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm not actually high while writing this fic. It's an understandable conclusion of course, but I find success largely by exploiting my ADHD to it's optimal potential. #writing advice

Also: a hundred reviews for this nonsense! You guys are pretty damn awesome.


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